Wednesday, October 26, 2016 Edit This
I'm not sleeping. Almost not at all. And I think it's making me crazy(er). I'm actually impressed with my levels of functionality given the lack of sleep. Or at least I'm functioning professionally I would say (aside from snoozing in an MDT) but not emotionally. At all. It's vaguely funny lol.
I'm so so lost. I don't even know where I want to end up but wherever I am it's not it. So many ups and downs. Felt much less resentful lately but then right now god I miss him so much. I just wish I could talk to him about this turmoil because he was my twisty person but nope.
Azza, Floof, Ser and Hannah keep reassuring me that I'm ok. That I needn't beat myself up about things but I just don't believe that. I can't stand this person. It's annoying because I was psyching myself up to stop the sert, and now I'm just concerned things will spiral if I do.
I'm not head over heals, like I have been in the past. Not at all actually. And I think that's great, it's ideal. I'd always wanted to feel this detached. The thing I think that bugs me is that I feel this detached but am... idk making sacrifices and big decisions for someone I don't even care about really (and they've all been of my own accord.) Feels yuck. Want to burn things off.
Floundering.
Hope tomorrow is better and that it's not too rainy so I can go look for deer. Not really coping. Want this to end.