Sin Duda Nada

It’s really hard sometimes to know what is good and what is right and ultimately... what is best for me. 

This wasn’t one where it felt right from the start. I was so unsure, I really wanted to back out, it seemed like a terrible idea... but I was lonely and I wanted to move on.

As things went on it was so different from all my past experiences. The physical came quickly and for me it was pretty meaningless. The other stuff came on very gradually, it was a really slow burn, things felt really steady. 

And then some 6 months later you were so embedded into my life that well, I didn’t really know what that feeling was... it must be love. You confuse this all the time with me being in love with you, but I really don’t know what that term means. 

The way I feel about you - it’s how I feel about my close friends and my family. I want to spend time with you, spending time with you isn’t daunting or effortful, it’s easy and I’m relaxed. It’s that I want your opinions and your advice and to know how you feel and tell you how I feel. These combined sentiments when I talk about them in relation to other people are called love, so I just presume that’s what it’s called for you too. 

And this time on earth is short, so I want to spend it with you. I don’t want to lose you. 

You don’t seem to feel the same way. I mean it’s all very difficult to tell because firstly you rarely say how you feel and it’s hard to know what you’re thinking. This seems to be a sentiment shared by people close to you beyond just me. When you do say how you feel it sounds cold and aloof and non-committal. I feel as though I’m forcing you to say these things. 

You say I ask too much - in the grand scheme of things I don’t think I am. I don’t need material things at all, I have no desire for them. I just want affection. And I guess you think I ask for too much of that... Well maybe it’s too much for you, beyond what you are able to give? But I don’t think I am the girl out there asking for the most attention and affection, not even close. 

You want distance and space, but we are going to get so much of that next year. I want to make the most of what time we have. Maybe your way is sensible and mine is impulsive and pragmatic. Maybe we respond to the distance differently. I find in the first 48 hours I miss you intensely, but once I get passed some hurdle I start to forget about you and begin to value my time alone. I remember the things I like to do and the things that make me me. I begin to feel empowered and contented on my own. I think that’s the way you want me to be when I am with you - confident, empowered and independent. 

It seems like you begin to miss me once I’ve stopped missing you. It’s actually funny, so many times when we haven’t seen each other for a while I initially keep wondering when I’m going to get to see you - as soon as I stop wondering that you suddenly turn up, and I almost feel like oh, my vibe is gone. 

Are you supposed to find someone who wants to spend day in and day out with you? Who is always excited to see you? Are you just not the right person for me, or is that just not how people feel?