Sin Duda Nada

Had been passed out on your couch with my hand in your top not long before. Sounds dodgy but our usual innocence.

Before that had been rambling absolute bullshit about my life in a stream of consciousness to you I don't know if you were listening but you responded appropriately at appropriate times. 

Before that you gave me your keys so I could bolt up the stairs and finally have the pee I'd been desperate for since about 5 mins after we embarked. 

We had been wandering through the tiny neighbouring town building castles in the sky talking about what house you'd buy and looking at your primary school up until that point. 

You bore with me as I befriended a random cat on the outskirts of the village and didn't run for the hills when I started chatting to it. 

We had been sitting in your house looking at new and old photos of your family and the like. 

You'd come to collect me and it was your first venture out the house all day, you had no need to but did anyway. 

This is real friendship. I'm so grateful for you in my life. You brush these things off if I say them for real, and so I have to say them here. Thank you for caring.

Little one came to visit me last night (as usual, he went out of his way, I'm so grateful for his friendship) and amongst many random things we discussed the impending holy month. I'm looking for something so so hard and for a while now he's been on of my favourite people to speak about this to. Although I very much view him as being a little one I also look up to him and admire him in numerous ways. One thing I've always wanted to be more like him with was in terms of his faith (mA), and moreover his ability to have reason intertwined with that faith. 

He often has a perspective on things which helps me see clearer and which gives me some comfort, and that was the case yesterday. This little chunk I really appreciated. 

What confounded me a little I guess was that he said he too had some of the same goals as me. I'd never have viewed him as being flawed in the same way as I feel I am, but he had the same hopes for betterment as I did. I guess it's true what they say, nobody's perfect and there's always room for improvement. 

In fact of late I've had interesting conversations with two of my closest , most valued, most reliable, level-headed friends (mA) where I've been taken aback by the flaws they perceived in themselves that in many ways I viewed as aspects of their characters that conveyed strength, that I would aspire to have. 

Zuzi has always been what I would describe as mature. Even at 15 she was never one to back bite or gossip really, and I never remember her indulging in fickle passing fancies like many of the rest of us seemed to. I mean I never really thought much into whether she just didn't feel like that or whether she just wasn't one to display her feelings outwardly. Either way, I liked that about her. I liked that she to me was steady and not petty. The other day she told me she was trying to be more open. I was mildly horrified. I think what I said was something to the effect of "that's nice and all but I don't want you to feel obliged to tell me about dates you've been on or frustrations you've felt, like I've loved the 10 years of friendship we have, even if it didn't entail much of that".  She insisted though that she wanted to improve on opening up to people.

I also had a conversation with Fee recently that threw me off a little. She's always been one with a strong moral compass and a sense of what is doing good to others and what is blatantly not. She's lovely and kind and someone I feel like a genuine, down to earth,  good, kind human being. I'd trust her to do me right as best as she could in any situation. Recently, I essentially asked her if she'd think less of me for some of my previous... waywardness. Actually I think I asked if she wouldn't be able to be friends with me any longer. (I was being a little dramatic as I am prone to). She was quite appalled and said something like "what must you guys think of me to believe that?" and then she went on to say that she was consciously trying to be less judgemental. This really startled me because judgemental was never something I would have thought of her. Though she may be very aware of right and wrong she is by far one of the most laid back people I know and far be it for her to try and impose her ideals on another. 

Basically what I'm trying to say (in a very roundabout way) is that none of us are perfect. What you think are another's merits they may perceive as their own flaws, which is in large part because we are all harsher on ourselves than anyone else. So be kind to yourself, but also, when you recognise something about  your character you want to sculpt a little further, that's what life is about: living each day trying to be better than the last. 

I guess it's true that it's always darkest before the dawn? Like the first three days I was home ha those were really fucking awful.

I'm loving everything at the moment. Or maybe just in this specific moment? I'm never sure but whatever gonna ride the hiiiigh. 

Finally getting things sorted - plans in motion for Cape Town elective, Oxford/Dee SSC, Orkney/Highlands/Dumfries Rural GP next year and god I cannot fucking wait for 5th year. Plans to visit Thorey/Iceland, Khali/Switzerland, Ana/Madrid, Reem/Lebanon and LizBit/Moscow are fuelling my daydreams right now and honestly I don't even care if none of them materialise this is keeping me going. Given that I'm home entirely alone I feel surprisingly emotionally stable and reasonably functional (touch wood).

There's still so much to do, and I've still to run up that hill they call finals but I feel more optimistic. I'd like to do as well as possible in these, but I recognise getting stupidly anxious is pretty useless and so I keep reassuring myself that I'm probably more or less on track for Scotland job of some sort and so it's about continuing to plug away and not make myself nuts.

Also feel like I'm making real connections with people again. I admit that it's so much smoother holding conversations with the sert but I actually want to. I actually want to see people and talk to them and water the flowers of old friendships and plant the seeds of new ones. 

Was at a shindig at the weekend that didn't make me want to evaporate and in fact even felt good talking to the one person there I was worried about feeling awkward with given past history. In fact her and I (without us naming names) discussed said past history and it was kind of cathartic. There's a sense of girlpower in the whole "nope he's not good enough for you" "OR YOU SOULSISTA" chat. I feel I should mention the whole reason I think me and her are good is because I really really needed to pee and had been feeling too awkward to ask where the loo was when everyone else seemed to know until eventually it was all getting too desperate and I asked her instead of Napolean. At that point she laughed and was like "I was literally just thinking I should direct Nada to the loo, she probably doesn't know where it is". So yeah that whole chat made me think we were on decent terms :P also we have a mutual love for Mars Bars. 

More interesting perhaps is the fact that I was more worried about being in a confined space with her rather than with Napolean who was present too. Genuinely wasn't concerned about feeling awkward with him, even after what had happened that night. Awkwardest part of it was that everyone else knew (saw?! I really don't remember...) what went down and lol encouraged me to leave and not stay when everyone else was going home. But I mean aside from that. 

Also, he told me something that was just incredibly nice to hear. We were reminiscing about last year and how we were both really goddamn miserable and lonely when we first went down, and how we floundered up until like Christmas time. He told me about the day he'd spent a good 12 hours in tears and wanting to run away to the wilds of the north. It was sad to hear. I felt a bit guilty? Perhaps I should have made more effort with him? But then, I hadn't known and I remember when I did know, I DID put in the effort. I remember MarzBarz visiting in  Novemberish and asking if I'd found what I was looking for. I remember basically telling her that I'd come to the harsh realisation that whatever I was looking for, I wasn't going to find it in a new city, it was hidden some place within me that I still hadn't found. And then she told me he'd been down too, and I remember reaching out and messaging him. He told me this weekend that that message had meant so much to him, that he called his parents up to tell them about it and to reassure them having cried at them for such a length of time. That was really nice to hear. I kind of wish we'd made more effort or spent more time together last year, but hey that may be present fogginess clouding my vision and I dunno, things have a way of working out. He and I will be ok. 

I've had multiple library buddies this week too. Also went to pick up my new (awesome) boots that got delivered next door and found a kindred equally arachnophobic spirit. 

I'm still not sleeping enough, but my sleep quality is much better and my dream journal is getting more sparse :) I should get more hours though but idk, I feel like making the most of being awake rather than desperate to just hurry up and move on to the next day.

I can do this. Or at least some of it. And if not, I really want to and so I'm really gonna hit it with my best shot. 

Please please please can this feeling last?

I loved you. Really I did. I know it was only a short time I knew you but I loved you from when I saw you crouched outside the masjid and when you didn't even know how to lap up the water I gave you. I'm so horribly sorry you're gone. I was so hopeful that I could save you and love you and help you grow big and strong. It feels like I've lost again. It feels like I've lost another soul I wanted to keep and protect and love, you Alfie and then Albert and Gerhardt too. I know I get too attached, and I know that logically there are many many more unloved uncared for animals and humans in the word, so it makes little sense to focus on you three but I don't know, I met you, I saw how alone you were and I wanted to love you. 

And when the day I left you came up to me and mewled and kept going round my ankles, not wanting to go back to your wee box after spending the night curled in the corner with your back to the world, I thought you seemed to love me too. And your love gave me a lot of hope and warmth in a time when I'd felt very devoid of it. I had such high hopes for you giving Mama love and helping her through the dark and maybe it was selfish or idealistic of me to assign you a role of a therapy pet like that but I hoped you were the answer I was looking for.

And for that brief period you were. Mama was stressed and anxious yes, but she loved you immediately and you seemed to love her. And Bob sending us videos of you and Mama playing upstairs, it was a surprise. He seemed to take to you well and they were voluntarily spending time together, it was your doing. 

Now you're gone and it breaks my heart. I wish I could have said bye. I wish I could have cuddled you and cared for you for longer. I have so much love to give and I hoped it would do you good. I don't know if it's normal to cry and mourn a kitten you only knew a week, but I do. I feel a great loss. 

I have so much love to give and I want to put it somewhere good, dedicate it to those who really need it. Does that make sense? 

Just after I left you I was in London and I was sat around a table for dinner with Ser and 5 of my closest friends- Mev, Zuzi, Ayesh, Cole and Keeks. It was lovely. But I realised there were so many missing. So many more that I loved that I would have wanted there, like some kind of army of strength looking out for me? I don't know. I counted later and there were so many more names I would have wanted- Floof, Nushay, Aaish, Reem, Nabz, Meerie, MarzBarz, Fee, Haz, Clairey, Lei, Pippa, PLL, Thorey, LilBil and even perhaps Floopsy, Krish, Ben, Zac, Amiloo. I remember not so long ago a boy asked me if I'd talked to anyone about the feelings/relationship between us, just after he'd talked to his best friend about how he felt about me. I was almost embarassed at the number of people I had talked to when he'd only just told the one. But now I know, there should be no shame. These are friends I love who love me too, with no obligation, and I'm grateful I have them and I hope I do right by them and they get some benefit from my love too. 

Alfie, I hope that even if it was only a very short period, that you got some benefit from our love as well. That you felt cared for and that you had some happiness. I wish so much with all my heart it that it could have been a lifetimes worth of it. I know we benefited from your love. Your unassuming love for me gave me so much hope and I know you've made  Mama reevaluate a lot of things. I can only hope that some good comes out of that and not just guilt. I almost hope you come to her in a dream and help her forgive herself and show her what she needs. 

Once more, thank you for your love. I will always remember you and you will always be in my heart. 

Love,

Nod

...and I'm not gonna hold a grudge. Because let's face it, I'm notoriously crap at grudge-holding. I will forgive you. Probably in a few hours... days at best.

But I won't forget. I don't get angry easily, and when I do it's only a brief moment where I wanna tear you a new one and then it just fades away like it was never there to begin with usually without anyone realising anything happened. I'm just incredibly talented at remembering the good stuff and realising that the bad too is as temporary as the good. Like right now I can't stop remembering the stupid shit you offered to do for me and the silly childhood thoughts you confessed and the pretty compliments you paid. It's hard to forget them, just like it's hard to forget when you decided none of that had ever happened. So know this, even though I will forgive you, I will not forget.

You hear that, girl in the playground who stole my favourite Minnie Mouse hair bow when I was three? I genuinely have not forgotten. I even know where you go to uni. Not because I want to come retrieve my bow or anything, I've just realised that I actually still know you and still remember that incident regarding the aforementioned bow. If you read this, all I have to say is: give it back, bitch.

I haven't forgotten the more serious stuff either... or the perpetrators of it. I don't hate you or anything, I'm long over it. I barely remember my anger. But I haven't forgotten and whilst I will always be polite I will never trust you again.

So the whole "when your ship is going down, I'll stand by and watch you drown" is more Billie Joe and less me. But don't worry, even though I won't hold this grudge, I got a few friends who will always make sure I don't drown trying to save you or anything... or more accurately I can hear them saying "Ghurl, don't you let that good for nothing poopface back in your life again."

P.S. I don't need you. I never have and I never will. I just wanted you, like you wanted me for a time. And any part of me that is still enthralled is merely interested in the enigma of what changed and made you stop.

P.P.S. This post sounds like something it isn't. 

		River Flows in You by Yiruma ............................. Hi, my name is Nada and I have an amazing life. Things are good from within at the moment. Life is (obviously) not perfect. But I can deal. And I'm happy about that. I'm managing to do both the things that I want and the things that I need at the moment. I'm fairly content with my current work ethic. I don't feel as lost as last year, and granted I don't make my revision notes the same day I learn things, but that's not my goal anyway. I find it more helpful to write up lectures after  a short delay, so I have time to process and let things sink in. Also, if I started revising from now, it would be very a very superficial process and I wouldn't retain much information. I know myself well. I've joined archery and it makes me happy. It's not a terribly active sport, but there is definitely skill involved and I want to perseve and get good at something. Also, I feel like a badass every time I shoot an arrow. And it's a great way to spend time with some of my friends that I see less often. I've also been walking pretty much everywhere, and it's about a 3mile walk from home to campus, and I go fairly often in the week. So it's not like I'm completely static. Life has been fun, the house is mostly sorted. And I'm happy living here. And my housemates are not driving me up the wall! But that said, one of my housemates is not on my course, so I don't see her in the day. And the other has completely different interests to me (although we do see more of each other). It's good for me to have distance. I'm a pretty private person. I wouldn't say everything has been smooth sailing.  I believe that there are people out there who are incredibly selfish while managing to seem generous. See, the thing is, with those people, they are only generous when they have something to gain from being that way. In one person I know, the main thing they have to gain is company. This person cannot deal with not having people around,  but does not give a shit if you don't want people around all the time. So sometimes I have to be selfish too. Sometimes you can sit in my living room alone if you insist on inviting yourself over daily. Don't think I haven't noticed that you're slowly trying to move into my house, I see you depositing your clothes and food here. Just know this, it's your own fault for being in the living situation you are in. It's not that I'm not sympathetic, I am. We all make bad decisions, and it's very hard to think ahead and know what life will really be like after you make a choice. But while the burden of misery (it's not even misery for you- you were fine before, you've just gotten it in your head that you're unhappy) is best shared, you're not supposed to dump it all on someone else. What I'm saying is, forgive me, but I will be selfish too. Sometimes you need to do things to make yourself feel good. There are also people out there who are stubborn and anal retentive. Look, the house is mine. And I know (very well, might I add) that nothing is permanent. Situations change quickly and unexpectedly, both around you and within you. So I do not appreciate you complicating my life by making a million changes to the place that is owned by ME. Especially when such changes are unnecessary. For the past three years I've lived in spaces that were not mine to change. But I still managed to make things my own. Trust me, you could have done it too. I've now given you a lot of leeway, but if you start to eat my currently peaceful brains again, I will not be so pleasant.  So now that I've gotten that out there, a list of things that make me happy: 1) Following the lives of positive people. I'm one of those people who soaks up vibes when they're sent out by certain people. Seeing people live their happy lives makes me live mine happily. I don't generally want exactly what they have, but I like finding kindred spirits and letting other people's thoughts and views help me grow. Also, watching swimming videos reminds me that people have to work hard and be committed to get what they want. And that a lot of my dreams are in the realms of possibility.  2) Medicine. Last year medicine was very cool. But it didn't give me enough happy as before I started on the journey. It makes me happy again. I like learning, I think I'd forgotten that. The other day I spoked to a real patient and determined their condition correctly. That was a major ego boost. Two years ago, I think I had very different goals for what I wanted from medicine. I wanted to change the world through humanitarian work. That would still make me very happy, but now, I think so would a job working for the Royal Ballet or for USA Swimming or an organisation of the sort. None of this is final. Of COURSE I know I'll change my mind umpteen times before I (inshallah) reach the end of this degree. It's not good to put all your eggs in one basket, but it's beautiful to have goals and to give your life meaning and to have things to daydream about. I will always be a daydream believer. 3)My kitchen. Don't get me wrong, I'm still a college student. I still feel no great love for cooking, but my kitchen is just absolutely beautiful, hamdillah. And the other day I made these really cool vegetarian sausage. That's another thing actually, I really rather enjoy my vegetarian/pescetariandiet these days.  4)Meeting new people. Sometimes I have to convince myself to do this, but I generally really enjoy it. I went to this Islamic society dinner and it was interesting to meet a variety of people there. The people in archery are also... interesting. :P 5)Music. But this was always true. I've recently realised I have what is probably the most eclectic music taste of all my friends. I thoroughly enjoy the stuff on the charts as well as my techno-house stuff. Very conducive to late night pre-shower bathroom dancing. Which nobody will ever witness. I love my sixties stuff as well. Me and my housemate went on a walk to explore our neighbourhood one Saturday morning. We played sixties songs on speak from my iPhone (with a casette tape cover) and sang along. Sorry if we disturbed you. We are just generally always singing. It's like a disease. I also still very much love my alternative tracks. Me and my friends recently purchased tickets to go see Mumford and Sons play over here in November! I am beyond keen. I also love my 80s power ballads and my classical playlist (even opera.) 6)Social media. Particularly here, Twitter and Tumblr. I've given up tweeting when angry. I love using it to follow the swimming community as well as to tweet funny anecdotes about my day. Tumblr is lovely for beautiful photos and funny conversations I want to document. I even have Pinterest. I also have a plan to educate my lovely flatmate who also happens to have a daydreamer personality type in the ways of the interwebs. Oh also, I changed the look of this blog. I grew up, so I felt like it needed to as well. I still like all the things I had on here before, but I stopped feeling a need to have them all together, all out there. 7)My family. DUH. This list is not in any order. My family would probably be at the top if it was. Of course, they can still drive me nuts, but they are all incredibly ridiculous people. I really believe the best way for people to bond is through humour. I also get the most hilarious whatsapp messages these days, especially since there's a group of myself, my parents and Syb. Ollie keeps sending us all messages from my moms phone telling us we smell like *insert turd emoticon*. The other day I got a message from Syb that said something like "did an old dude ever teach you" accompanied by a picture of an elderly gentleman in a tweed suit looking away from her. (He did, if anyone wondered.) Bob sent me a message that said: "remember yo lov your door". No, I do not love my door. Neither does he. He meant "remember to lock your door". Parents and autocorrect, -sigh-. My mother is really enthralled by emoticons lately (defintiely Ollie's doing). She's not very good with them though. I think she meant to send me a kissy face the other day, but I got was a pagoda and a swimming man. I said: "I'm not sure what this means, but thanks for the swimmer. I hope you meant it to be Michael Phelps or Nathan Adrian." She replied: "I am sending you a big house and a swimmer to live in it with." Clearly she has the same dreams for me as I do.  8) Photographs. But we knew that from my instagram. See the photos of my room (and bathroom... apparently I'm one of those people) below. Please note: my bath products are all orange/peach; Mr. Clown is CUTE not scary; my lamp, computer and variety of creams are all pink, and my window is bright and sunny; my desk is free of clutter and has a 'Respiratory Medicine' mind map on it; my bookshelf contains a shelf with puzzle books and a variety of fidgety people toys as well as shelf with my stethescope and a squishy skull; my body butter, night cream and lip balm all come in pink tubs of different sizes.  9)My independence. I've always loved that. I've grown to love it more as it has grown. I like that I can think for myself without being influenced by the thoughts of my family/friends. I like that I don't need to rely on other people to get my happy. (And while I may have a little crush, or not, I'm not that 14 year old who based many choices on crushing.) I like that I'm beginning to figure out what's right for me in numerous aspects of my life. Things are good. I feel a need to remind everyone: life is a journey, but you're not supposed to focus on the destination. If you enjoy the road and go at your own pace, when you get to the destination, whatever it is, you'll be happy, even if it's not necessarily where you intended. Things along the way matter just as much.   -[n][a][d][a][&][♥]

	Blow Me by P!nk White knuckles and sweaty palms from hanging on too tight Clenched shut jaw, I've got another headache again tonight Eyes on fire, eyes on fire, and they burn from all the tears I've been crying, I've been crying, I've been dying over you Tie a knot in the rope, tryin' to hold, tryin' to hold, But there's nothing to grasp so I let go I think I've finally had enough, I think I maybe think too much I think this might be it for us (blow me one last kiss) You think I'm just too serious, I think you're full of shit My head is spinning so (blow me one last kiss) Just when it can't get worse, I've had a shit day (NO!) Have you had a shit day? (NO!), we've had a shit day (NO!) I think that life's too short for this, I want back my ignorance and bliss I think I've had enough of this, blow me one last kiss. I won't miss all of the fighting that we always did, Take it in, I mean what I say when I say there is nothing left No more sick whiskey dick, no more battles for me You'll be calling a trick, 'cause you'll no longer sleep I'll dress nice, I'll look good, I'll go dancing alone I will laugh, I'll get drunk, I'll take somebody home I think I've finally had enough, I think I maybe think too much I think this might be it for us (blow me one last kiss) You think I'm just too serious, I think you're full of shit My head is spinning so (blow me one last kiss) Just when it can't get worse, I've had a shit day (No!) Have you had a shit day? (No!), we've had a shit day (No!) I think that life's too short for this, I want back my ignorance and bliss I think I've had enough of this, blow me one last kiss. Blow me one last kiss Blow me one last kiss I will do what I please, anything that I want I will breathe, I will breathe, I won't worry at all You will pay for your sins, you'll be sorry my dear All the lies, all the why's, will all be crystal clear I think I've finally had enough, I think I maybe think too much I think this might be it for us (blow me one last kiss) You think I'm just too serious, I think you're full of shit My head is spinning so (blow me one last kiss) Just when it can't get worse, I've had a shit day (No!) Have you had a shit day? (No!), we've had a shit day (No!) I think that life's too short for this, I want back my ignorance and bliss I think I've had enough of this, blow me one last kiss .……………………………… To be clear, I also think I maybe think too much. My posting frequency appears to have lessened considerably as the summers have passed. In all honesty, I'm not surprised. I definitely didn't expect this blog to last forever. But if I can, I'd like to keep it another 4 years. 4 years because a) by that stage, unless I do a BMsc I should, hopefully, have a medical degree (if I do decide to do a BMsc I'll only have another year left inshallah and that's still pretty damn cool) and b) It will be 2016 and time for the olympics in Rio (which I would like to go to... my dad is in accordance, let's see what happens.) I've already had this blog 3 years and I remember writing some of my very first posts about YSP in Canada. And this year I went back to Canada and wow it was strange to think all that was three fucking years ago. It feels like a lifetime has passed. I'm really not the same person I was back then- I want completely different things all of a sudden. But that's not surprising either. I want completely different things now... than say... last year. In any case, I want to keep up with occasionally writing here because when I went back and read those YSP posts... I had forgotten so much. I mean obviously I remembered the main things, but lots of funny occurrences and things I had thought at the time... I just had no recollection of. So while updates are unlikely to be frequent, I hope that there will in fact be some.  I'm sure things will change over the coming years- I'm already growing increasingly cautious with regard to privacy and my online identity. But trust me, it's with good reason. Not gonna lie, I am a really really good facebook stalker. Seriously. Not going to 'fess up to all the really incredibly stalking discoveries of mine, but I will say this- U.S. swim team... I know too much random information about you. I will say no more. It will just get creepy. So my point is- if I can find out stuff about other people, you can find out a whole lot about me. I know that if people are actually reading these posts- they are more likely than not my friends. But I also know that wow you can leave a serious trail of clues on the internet. (Which is why I've gone ahead and taken my last name off twitter.) However, it would still be extremely easy to figure out who/where I am and track down my facebook profile and such things. So this blog shall remain free of all patient related stuff. And so shall my tumblr (with the exception of non-patient-related-witty-banter.. because that stuff is funny.) Ok so now that I've rambled about stupid stuff everyone knows for quite a while, I am going to go on and describe the highlights of the Canada trip. Yes, just the highlights. No more daily diary writing like I did at YSP and in Italy. Pssht.  So we kicked off the trip in Montreal. Which was a nice place. The street arrangement reminded me of San Diego. Is that weird? Probably. Normal people most likely see no similarity. Whatever. I have limited experience in North America. So anyways, I like Montreal. Cool place. Just... I don't see what all the fuss is about. A couple of my friends seem to love it and sing it's praises and whatnot... I'm not saying it's not a nice place... just it's not on my top five favourite places at all. Probably not even top 10 :O Oh well. So cool things in Montreal...let's see. Well the hotel was fucking awesome. I mean it was the Ritz so I guess it was going to have to be posh but god I could live in those bathrooms. Really. By the side of the toilet there was this remote control thing with a variety of sprays (for rear cleansing and front cleansing) and a dryer. That's right, a dryer. To dry your bits. I don't know why this is one of the most memorable parts of Montreal for me. Evidently I am finicky about bathroom hygiene. I'm going to stop talking about this now... because it's weird. We also got to experience this Quebec national day thingy parade. Which was cool. But all in French. Which supposedly I understand. And I guess I do... if I pay attention. In any case, with regard to the city itself- I really enjoyed the old part of town. It reminded me of Covent Garden. And if you know me, you know I love Covent Garden for a multitude of reasons. (Like because I went on one of those bungee trampoline things there and did lots of flips and also because I used to always go get my hair thread braided there.) Anyway, it was a cool place. I saw the McGill campus. It was pretty. I am glad my friends live in pretty places. They deserve it. They are pretty inside and out. Anyway, after that we went to Quebec city. (Please note, we went in a tiny plane. Not as tiny as the ones in Tanzania but honestly these were more bumpy. Africa: 1 North America: 0.)  Quebec City is nice. (See left upper middle) Not my kinda place to live, I don't think, but still, nice. It reminded me a lot more of Europe. That may or may not have been related to the fact that we stayed in a castle. In any case, I think I was more entertained in QC than Montreal. Anyway, outside our hotel, there was like this 'square' I suppose. And they had loads of street performers. Including these two incredibly hot guys who danced to black betty with fire and rings and shirtlessness. It was around this time that Syb and I started playing a game. The game is as follows. If you see a beautiful house or a hot boy, you nudge your sister with your elbow. (Feel free to nudge hard.) If the sister agrees with you and the house/boy are to her taste, she will nod emphatically. Else she will shake her head and crinkle her nose. We usually agreed. Some things you just cannot deny. Anyhoo. In QC we went to the aquarium. It was cool. There were seals and walruses and polar bears. (See the bottom left corner. Yes that is a polar bear standing up and staring at me. Be jealous.) Honestly, Syb and I (and probably Ollie too) were a considerable amount older than the average individual there. But it was fun. On the bus there (and on the way back actually) there was this group of tourists. I maintain that they were Greek. Bob thinks they were Brasilian. Their language sounded nothing like Spanish... but I have no idea what Brasilian Portugese sounds like at all. Anyway they totally sounded like Tula's parents in my big fat Greek wedding. Syb and I had a stunted conversation with them and they called us beautiful and asked about the "AQUARIA". My hands DOWN favourite thing we did there was go to see Cirque du Soleil. God those people are badass. I am a loser. They can FLY. Honestly it was very much my sort of scene. It was held between these two flyovers  and there was no tent it was just sort of in the middle of nowhere. And the music was eerie and cool and the dances were nice and sweet baby Jesus the tumbling and acrobatics those guys do... wow. Insanely cool. I almost want to join the circus. I would also like to say that watching them was entirely free. But I would have payed for that- no Desi stinginess at all.  After QC came Ottawa. It was nice. Partly because people were speaking English again. And they were suddenly incredibly friendly. Like Scottish people. Except I knew what they were saying. We did this really cool tour in an amphibus. It's very chitty chitty bang bang. The bus drives around on land for a bit and then drives into the river, on which it floats. The tour guide was so unbelievable cute... but... it was around this time Syb and I discovered that our hot guy/nice house game was going to be without much... well... result... I guess...because wow all gay guys seem to be hot in Canada. A great tragedy for womankind. (Not that Syb or I was going to go up and talk to them what with our parentals trailing along. Ah well.) Ok so aside from that, Ottawa was not that eventful. Except for when Syb was recruited by this extremely British Covent Garden-esque magician that was performing on the street to be his assistance. He was funny. Apparently Canadians do not appreciate the British sense of humour though. Ah well. They do however appreciate the British Queen. The day we were in Ottawa was the day before Canada day and there was a lot of preparation going on for the festivities. And thus there was a woman on stage outside the parliament singing God Save the Queen. Of course, this resulted in me and the parentals belting out the lyrics (to the first verse only, because I am not patriotic enough at all to know the rest of the lyrics.) Syb and Ollie found us embarassing. Whatever. When God Save the Queen is playing you sing along. Just like you sing along to the last two lines of the Star Spangled Banner whenever you hear it being played in the olympics. Which is a lot.  After Ottawa came Vancouver. I love Vancouver. It's awesome. (See top right corner) I want to live there. It has everything. It has a very mixed population. It has nice big buildings and a real city. It also has nice big trees and snowy mountains. It also has friendly people. Said friendly people also speak English. Apparently winters are mild there. My only issue was with how many dogs there were. I did not spend much time walking on the pavement. I was always on the road, walking around the dogs. Anyhoo Vancouver. Wow. Lots of awesome things happened there. The first day was Canada day and there was a parade and fireworks. I love fireworks. We did some of the bus tour stuff and it was really fun. Also did some shoppingz. We went to Chinatown where there was this awesome garden with Koi and pagodas and frogs and ducks and waterlilies. See Koi in mist (right lower middle). We also went to Granville Island which had lots of markets and such. We went around Stanley park which is just massive and sooo green. I liked. The view was really awesome (see right upper middle- the Lion's Gate bridge.) One of the days in Vancouver (It was our longest stop) was spent at altitude. First we went up a mountain. Grouse Mountain. We went by Cable care. (Yeah right, like my family would climb up a mountain. Hah.) We got to the top and there were bits of snow everywhere. It was sunny elsewhere. And the view was incredible. They also had a grizzly bear enclosure. (See left lower middle.) Those guys are so cute. I want to hug them. We then ascended further up the mountain in ski lifts. I have never been in a ski lift before. It is scary. Syb and I were freaking out a little. On the way up we started naming all the states in America to distract ourselves. When we got to the very top, there was this windmill thing called the Eye of the Wind. We went up that (it was tall) and the floor beneath us was glass and the view from there was somehow even more incredible. On the way back down in the ski lift, I suggested we sing a song. We chose Cablecar (You know, by The Fray.) This was a bad idea. It starts with the whole 'I never knew that everything was falling through' line. Falling was not a word we wanted to hear. We went back to naming states. They also had a really cool bird show up there with owls and eagles and vultures (which were entirely different from the ones I saw in Tanzania last year.) The same day, after we went down from the mountain after seeing some wolves and all, we went to the Capilano Suspension Bridge. Supposedly a massive tree fell on it in a storm and the bridge was fine but sweet baby Jesus crossing it was scary. It wobbles when there are more people on one side than another. The view of the stream flowing way down beneath it was awesome but I was fucking terrified to reach into my pocket take out my phone and take a picture. I held on the railing for dear life. I'm a wimp, but we knew that. The place is really cool though, there's a whole park around it and you can walk across these wooden bridges through the trees and it feels like you're in Tarzan or in a rainforest or something. (Yeah I know, that totally made sense.) After that, on the very same day, we had a ride on a seaplane. Seaplanes are fucking cool. And flying over Vancouver is wow. There's the city and then you fly across the bay and there's residential area and then you fly a tad more and there's massive trees. And there are so many little islands and they've all got like one massive house on them and that is all. I want my own bloody island. Sugar daddys watch out, gold-diggah me is coming your way. It was really stunning though, the scenery p0rn was amazing. And I was like DEAR GOD YOU ARE AMAZING THIS LANDSCAPE IS SO DIFFERENT TO TANZANIA.Yes I know it's obviously going to be different. But I was still enthralled.  We also day-tripped one day to Victoria on Vancouver Island. (It should be noted that this is very different to Victoria Island where apparently mosquitos live and hatch and stuff.) Vancouver Island was so unbelievable different. We drove to the coast in this tour bus (by the way, for some strage reason the guide seemed really attractive to me- he wasn't that good looking and also he was fairly old- but he told good stories?) Anyway said bus, was then driven on to a ferry. Apparently this is not that cool as Mom has been accross the channel like that, but I was amazed. The ferry ride was stunning but I was cold and didn't spend much time on deck. As a result I missed seeing a dolphin my parents supposedly saw the fin of. Victoria feels completely different- it feels more like Europe again. Cool thing: Victoria is below the 49th parallel. We went through American waters to get there and from the island you could see some of the mountains of the Olympic Peninsula. (See bottom right corner) I found this awesome since of late I appear to be fascinated with America. Anyway, we had a wander around Victoria, there was gelato to be had and some cool old buildings covered in leaves. Then we went to the Butchart, where there were loads and loads of beautiful flowers. Sadly I am not a flower person. But I still appreciated the pretty. (See photo at the very bottom).  It was a lovely day. As you can see, I fell in love with Vancouver. Which lead to me becoming really glum around the time we had to leave, not just because it was awesome but also for other reasons. More on that later. Next up was Toronto- there was shopping to be done. I remembered a lot of stuff from YSP time there... not directions though. Oops. I met up with S, and wow three years changes a lot. She was still the same in many ways, equally amusing with her blunt way of talking as before. It was strange to think she was teaching at YSP where we had both been 'classmates'. It was also strange that she's now at uni with one of my closest friends. The world is so small but so big as well. We had dim sum. I love dim sum. I had the longest walk ever that day (because I seriously underestimated distances- it reminded me of Rome with L.)  After dim sum, S and I had a wander around. We walked through UofT and I saw the halls I stayed in and the medical school and it was so nostalgic. I miss that girl that I was back then. She was so naive. Anyway, I wish I'd gotten to see more of her, or even more of the YSP people, but alas there was not enough time. I tried to lead my family to this market that had been along the harbourfront, but first I got everyone lost and then the market was closed except for weekends. Ah well.  We spent a couple of days in Niagara as well. I'd been before but the falls are stunning (See top) and I was thrilled to get to go again. We did the whole maid of the mist boat ride and we also walked behind the falls. We also had dinner one evening at the top of the Skylon tower in the revolving restaurant. It was at that dinner that we finally named all the states we knew. (We were short of two in the end. Oops.) It was strange. I remember when I was a kid and we used to go on holidays- at that time it was just me and Syb, no Ollie. I used to see these families with grown up/teenage kids and I really wanted to grow up. And I realised that evening, because we were all dressed up in dresses and all, that I'm grown up. And not only am I grown up, so is Syb and even Ollie to some extent too. It was strange. Niagara was lovely though, fudge was bought, foosball was played (I was beaten by a 10 year old. Oops.) I remember Niagara being one of my favourite parts of YSP as well. I made a bunch of really cool friends that weekend and good times were had. We were back in Toronto after that. We spent a whole day in Wonderland. That's another of the weekends I really remember enjoying. I got so tanned. I'm oddly pleased I was wearing a low cut top, because otherwise my tanning would be really obvious. I have a fucking glasses tan over the bridge of my nose. I even have a tan from my ring. It looks like I've been married. Jeez. We went on lots of coasters. Not all, but the important ones were ridden. I rode the behemoth. I remember that one from last time. Also, went on this standing up one which was slightly painful on my neck. (My dad made a fuss the entire time about me going on rollercoasters after the whole-falling off a horse fiasco when we were back home. I don't think I mentioned it on here. Basically I went horse riding for the first time and my super nervous steed was spooked by some birds and flung me off. Which was painful on my back and I had to get a shot in the ass and I couldn't bend for a while.) I ignored him though. Roller coasters are for riding. I'm 19 I'm not going to sit around and complain about my back which doesn't really hurt anymore, and I can now put my toes in my mouth again if I really want. (I do not, to be clear.) Anyway, they had this new MASSIVE roller coaster. The Leviathan. See the thing is, these Canadian coasters are much higher than the Thorpe Park ones but they don't have that bar thingy that goes over your boobs. I was actually really grateful I'm not skinny and couldn't just... fall out. Anyway, Syb, Mom and I went on that one. We were sat next to this kid who was like Ollie's age. It was his second go on it. He said "it's not that bad." Honestly, it wasn't. But I screamed like hell of course, because hellllo when you're shooting down a 306 foot drop what the fuck else are you going to do? No fucking way was I going to be waving my hands in the air. We decided that once was enough, but the kid decided he wanted to go again. Such a little badass. It was a fun day, to say the least.  The last day in Toronto we went up the CN tower which was funsies. I mean I'd done it before, but hey, it's still cool. (See the view top left corner.)  We flew back (to LDN) from Toronto. I was really very down I think after that. London was boring, the Olympics had not started, people were not around. Magic Mike was seen. A Dunds day trip was taken. Meh.  Why the meh? Well, after Vancouver I got into this whole meh mood because I suddenly felt like shit my life is going by so incredibly fast and am I actually doing the cool things I want to do- like having my entire head blue, having dreadlocks, learning the drums, playing in a band, learning to skateboard, waitressing- just random stupid shit that I feel would make me happy. I'm in my last teenage year and I really felt like by the time I'm done with med school I'll be too old to do all this. It also felt a little shitty that I wasn't really going to have those fabled fun years (which always look incredibly cool at North American universities.) I don't know I was just feeling old and unsatisfied and soo meh. I told my friend all this and he reminded me that summer was the time for such things. And while I agreed of course and knew he was right, and that the things I want to do can be done in summertime, I still wasn't completely over the meh. To some extent watching the olympics worsened the meh. You may have guessed my my numerous mentions of the olympics. (Especially the USA men's swimming- although please, do not forget the German's men's gymnasts and Tom Daley who I remember fangirling about when I was 15 and he was 14. Can I also just say, the fact that he's younger than me makes me feel shitty.) Seeing lots of people who were my age or younger or you know not all that old competing in their sports and being awesome made me feel really meh. And my love for a certain Mr.Adrian meant that I did rather a lot of reading about him and wow his life in the American collegiate system seemed cool. I don't know if I'm explaining this very well. Let us speak of Tony Ervin. He did the olympics way back in 2000 and then suddenly felt like it was infringing on his freedom so he left and joined a band and got sleeves inked and all. I feel a bit like that. I don't exactly want to run a way and give it all up, I just get where he's coming from. I'm not unhappy at uni. The past year I've just been content. I mean honestly I don't think I took a very active role in my own life. I just sort of floated through half asleep and daydreaming. I was lucky in that I made friends (and nice ones too- I mean not the best I've ever had :P- but nice enough since I'm living with 2 next year), in part due to the presence of M and also in that I passed my exams, because honestly when I was studying, I couldn't remember a lot of my lectures happening. It's a good thing I'm really good at the whole self-study thing.  Basically what I'm saying is that I wasn't upset or anything. But I also wasn't happy. I was content. And sort of just waiting for happiness to fall into my lap. I had this expectation that it would, because well... all my life it's sort of seemed like in university shit happened. My parents talked about university a lot and always stressed the importance of getting into a good one and all that jazz. It's also where they met. I guess I thought that sort of thing would fall into my lap too. It's funny, there's this cute boy at uni, and sometime I mention him to M and the others. But one day M and I were talking and she was like... I don't think you actually like him. And I don't. I think in that respect I was just sort of cruising a long as well sort of indifferent to everything.  Funnily enough, it was only when back in J-town and discussing another individual who does not seem particularly enthralled by uni-life with the girls that I realised that I'm being stupid. How the fuck can I expect happiness to fall into my lap? I'm being silly. First I have to decide what going to make me happy- and christ, it doesn't have to be a definitive thing- of course my aspirations are always going to be changing... I just need to decide on something and then work towards it properly. Pssht. Those fuckhot bodies didn't exactly just fall into the laps of those team USA swimmers. They pumped lots of iron. If I want my happy I'm going to have to go look for it. First of all- sure, Medical School in the UK means some of the things that may have made me happy -like the freedom to do more crazy stupid things- are not really feasible. But I don't drink. I don't do drugs. I'm so fucking awkward I'm never going to be a party animal. I'm clumsy and unfit and have terrible hand-eye co-oridination. If the Adrian style opportunities were there would I even be taking them? Pretty sure the answer is no. I'm also pretty sure those sort of opportunities do exist at Dunds. I just haven't really made an effort to go find them. Anyway as a result of my decision to make myself happy I have decided several things. Firstly, I want to take up at least one 'sport' properly. As in I'll go every week. At this point, I like the sound of archery (and A said she would go with me- I'm not gutsy enough to do stuff alone.) There's also trampolining which I believe A's sister does. I was also thinking about horse riding, because L does that, and honestly I really want to be able to ride a horse- but I'm a little more nervous about it after my fall. I also feel like pole dancing would be cool but HAHAHA ME USING MY THIGHS TO HANG OFF A POLE. Let's see. Another thing I want to do is learn to drive. Because my parents are the best and will probably let me have my own car. I like the freedom that gives me. Next up, I want to go to more international soc. events. I have no issue with Scottish people they're lovely and friendly and funny but that's probably a more likely place to meet Mr. Me. Meeting him is not a requirement. I'm not desperate at all and that's not something I ever want to force because hey this is a very naive view but Elizabeth Bennet never forced such things. Also I think I need to start reading my uni emails more and signing up to things without waiting for my friends to do so. I'm also pretty certain of the tattoo(s) I want. And I want to get them sooner rather than later, along with finally getting my ear pierced some more. I just need someone to go with (I don't think M or H or A or L or any of those guys are the right people for it) so I'm working on figuring that out. What else... oh yes here's a big one. My ff obsession needs to be curtailed. It's probably good that I've pretty much read all the good PandP *coughandtwilightcough* ones out there. No more reading late at night. We know what happens as a result- falling asleep in lectures. It's not pretty. When I need that outlet to get away from my life and live happily ever after I have an outlet. It is constructive to some extent and I also know I'm never going to get addicted to it. Too much effort needed. This outlet is secret and you will never ever find it unless you are one of two people, and I don't think you are because I don't think either of those two read this blog. Hah. I also feel like I haven't been as close to the God I believe in lately. And I miss God. I want to be close to God again. Oh also, I should fucking study more. We discovered at Soaks, I'm actually pretty good at that. So there. Those are basically my new (school) year's resolutions. And when I start to forget them or go off them or get bored as I usually do, I will do one of the following: a) watch some olympic swimming and remind myself that it's too late for that, but I should still do what I can and work for my happy or b) talk to one of the people I have mentioned this shit to, because they are helpful and sometimes when you're giving advice or berating someone else you realise you should probably practice what you preach.  If you managed to read all this, I am in awe. This is probably going to have to last another... 4 months. If you know me and you've read this and I now go on to forget my resolutions you bloody well should remind me. That is all. **EDIT: I just found out my cousin is off to Oxford. (Yay! He deserves it and it suits him.) I'm not jealous. And I'm really proud of myself for being happy with the path I'm on and I'm going to make the most of it. -[n][a][d][a][&][♥]