Sin Duda Nada

I guess it's true that it's always darkest before the dawn? Like the first three days I was home ha those were really fucking awful.

I'm loving everything at the moment. Or maybe just in this specific moment? I'm never sure but whatever gonna ride the hiiiigh. 

Finally getting things sorted - plans in motion for Cape Town elective, Oxford/Dee SSC, Orkney/Highlands/Dumfries Rural GP next year and god I cannot fucking wait for 5th year. Plans to visit Thorey/Iceland, Khali/Switzerland, Ana/Madrid, Reem/Lebanon and LizBit/Moscow are fuelling my daydreams right now and honestly I don't even care if none of them materialise this is keeping me going. Given that I'm home entirely alone I feel surprisingly emotionally stable and reasonably functional (touch wood).

There's still so much to do, and I've still to run up that hill they call finals but I feel more optimistic. I'd like to do as well as possible in these, but I recognise getting stupidly anxious is pretty useless and so I keep reassuring myself that I'm probably more or less on track for Scotland job of some sort and so it's about continuing to plug away and not make myself nuts.

Also feel like I'm making real connections with people again. I admit that it's so much smoother holding conversations with the sert but I actually want to. I actually want to see people and talk to them and water the flowers of old friendships and plant the seeds of new ones. 

Was at a shindig at the weekend that didn't make me want to evaporate and in fact even felt good talking to the one person there I was worried about feeling awkward with given past history. In fact her and I (without us naming names) discussed said past history and it was kind of cathartic. There's a sense of girlpower in the whole "nope he's not good enough for you" "OR YOU SOULSISTA" chat. I feel I should mention the whole reason I think me and her are good is because I really really needed to pee and had been feeling too awkward to ask where the loo was when everyone else seemed to know until eventually it was all getting too desperate and I asked her instead of Napolean. At that point she laughed and was like "I was literally just thinking I should direct Nada to the loo, she probably doesn't know where it is". So yeah that whole chat made me think we were on decent terms :P also we have a mutual love for Mars Bars. 

More interesting perhaps is the fact that I was more worried about being in a confined space with her rather than with Napolean who was present too. Genuinely wasn't concerned about feeling awkward with him, even after what had happened that night. Awkwardest part of it was that everyone else knew (saw?! I really don't remember...) what went down and lol encouraged me to leave and not stay when everyone else was going home. But I mean aside from that. 

Also, he told me something that was just incredibly nice to hear. We were reminiscing about last year and how we were both really goddamn miserable and lonely when we first went down, and how we floundered up until like Christmas time. He told me about the day he'd spent a good 12 hours in tears and wanting to run away to the wilds of the north. It was sad to hear. I felt a bit guilty? Perhaps I should have made more effort with him? But then, I hadn't known and I remember when I did know, I DID put in the effort. I remember MarzBarz visiting in  Novemberish and asking if I'd found what I was looking for. I remember basically telling her that I'd come to the harsh realisation that whatever I was looking for, I wasn't going to find it in a new city, it was hidden some place within me that I still hadn't found. And then she told me he'd been down too, and I remember reaching out and messaging him. He told me this weekend that that message had meant so much to him, that he called his parents up to tell them about it and to reassure them having cried at them for such a length of time. That was really nice to hear. I kind of wish we'd made more effort or spent more time together last year, but hey that may be present fogginess clouding my vision and I dunno, things have a way of working out. He and I will be ok. 

I've had multiple library buddies this week too. Also went to pick up my new (awesome) boots that got delivered next door and found a kindred equally arachnophobic spirit. 

I'm still not sleeping enough, but my sleep quality is much better and my dream journal is getting more sparse :) I should get more hours though but idk, I feel like making the most of being awake rather than desperate to just hurry up and move on to the next day.

I can do this. Or at least some of it. And if not, I really want to and so I'm really gonna hit it with my best shot. 

Please please please can this feeling last?

I loved you. Really I did. I know it was only a short time I knew you but I loved you from when I saw you crouched outside the masjid and when you didn't even know how to lap up the water I gave you. I'm so horribly sorry you're gone. I was so hopeful that I could save you and love you and help you grow big and strong. It feels like I've lost again. It feels like I've lost another soul I wanted to keep and protect and love, you Alfie and then Albert and Gerhardt too. I know I get too attached, and I know that logically there are many many more unloved uncared for animals and humans in the word, so it makes little sense to focus on you three but I don't know, I met you, I saw how alone you were and I wanted to love you. 

And when the day I left you came up to me and mewled and kept going round my ankles, not wanting to go back to your wee box after spending the night curled in the corner with your back to the world, I thought you seemed to love me too. And your love gave me a lot of hope and warmth in a time when I'd felt very devoid of it. I had such high hopes for you giving Mama love and helping her through the dark and maybe it was selfish or idealistic of me to assign you a role of a therapy pet like that but I hoped you were the answer I was looking for.

And for that brief period you were. Mama was stressed and anxious yes, but she loved you immediately and you seemed to love her. And Bob sending us videos of you and Mama playing upstairs, it was a surprise. He seemed to take to you well and they were voluntarily spending time together, it was your doing. 

Now you're gone and it breaks my heart. I wish I could have said bye. I wish I could have cuddled you and cared for you for longer. I have so much love to give and I hoped it would do you good. I don't know if it's normal to cry and mourn a kitten you only knew a week, but I do. I feel a great loss. 

I have so much love to give and I want to put it somewhere good, dedicate it to those who really need it. Does that make sense? 

Just after I left you I was in London and I was sat around a table for dinner with Ser and 5 of my closest friends- Mev, Zuzi, Ayesh, Cole and Keeks. It was lovely. But I realised there were so many missing. So many more that I loved that I would have wanted there, like some kind of army of strength looking out for me? I don't know. I counted later and there were so many more names I would have wanted- Floof, Nushay, Aaish, Reem, Nabz, Meerie, MarzBarz, Fee, Haz, Clairey, Lei, Pippa, PLL, Thorey, LilBil and even perhaps Floopsy, Krish, Ben, Zac, Amiloo. I remember not so long ago a boy asked me if I'd talked to anyone about the feelings/relationship between us, just after he'd talked to his best friend about how he felt about me. I was almost embarassed at the number of people I had talked to when he'd only just told the one. But now I know, there should be no shame. These are friends I love who love me too, with no obligation, and I'm grateful I have them and I hope I do right by them and they get some benefit from my love too. 

Alfie, I hope that even if it was only a very short period, that you got some benefit from our love as well. That you felt cared for and that you had some happiness. I wish so much with all my heart it that it could have been a lifetimes worth of it. I know we benefited from your love. Your unassuming love for me gave me so much hope and I know you've made  Mama reevaluate a lot of things. I can only hope that some good comes out of that and not just guilt. I almost hope you come to her in a dream and help her forgive herself and show her what she needs. 

Once more, thank you for your love. I will always remember you and you will always be in my heart. 

Love,

Nod

I'm relieved in a way. You were always ups and downs and unpredictable, which I can handle, but at your lowest you'd hurt the people who cared for you. 

I'm learning not to care.

It's funny though. Both of you seem to have conveniently forgotten so much and been united in your hatred of me. 

Do you remember telling me how you resent her? How you feel like she just does things for the sake of doing them, not because she actually wanted to (but I wasn't to tell her that)? How you stormed out of a pub and were moody for the next couple of days just because someone brought up her linked in profile? How you told me she was too much to deal with at times? How you told me she wasn't who you ultimately wanted to end up with? 

You also seem not to remember telling me that you'd always want to be my friend. That you thought I was a good person. You've forgotten the multitude of times where I put you first and me second- which by the way, you never did for me. In fact, you didn't even put me on the same level as you. You always came first. Now she comes second it would appear from you having a go at me. 

Conveniently, she has also forgotten how you would ignore her for weeks/months whenever you felt inadequate. She's erased the messages of yours to me that she'd seen from her mind, which had left no doubt that you weren't merely offering me emotional support and uplifting me but rather hitting on me. She's forgotten how you'd put the moves on her and then push her away completely. 

I suppose at the end of the day, people see what they want to and hear what they want to, and are willing to ignore the facts and tread on other for a shot at happiness. Good luck to you both, and good luck to me too.