Weather changes moods

Friday, April 29, 2016 Posted In , , , , , , Edit This
I feel good. I think I can say that and mean it. This is so much better than I've been in so so long and holy hell I am so fucking scared to put nazar on it. Like I know people can see it- Caroline said and MarzBarz said too. 

I guess it's true that it's always darkest before the dawn? Like the first three days I was home ha those were really fucking awful.

I'm loving everything at the moment. Or maybe just in this specific moment? I'm never sure but whatever gonna ride the hiiiigh. 

Finally getting things sorted - plans in motion for Cape Town elective, Oxford/Dee SSC, Orkney/Highlands/Dumfries Rural GP next year and god I cannot fucking wait for 5th year. Plans to visit Thorey/Iceland, Khali/Switzerland, Ana/Madrid, Reem/Lebanon and LizBit/Moscow are fuelling my daydreams right now and honestly I don't even care if none of them materialise this is keeping me going. Given that I'm home entirely alone I feel surprisingly emotionally stable and reasonably functional (touch wood).

There's still so much to do, and I've still to run up that hill they call finals but I feel more optimistic. I'd like to do as well as possible in these, but I recognise getting stupidly anxious is pretty useless and so I keep reassuring myself that I'm probably more or less on track for Scotland job of some sort and so it's about continuing to plug away and not make myself nuts.

Also feel like I'm making real connections with people again. I admit that it's so much smoother holding conversations with the sert but I actually want to. I actually want to see people and talk to them and water the flowers of old friendships and plant the seeds of new ones. 

Was at a shindig at the weekend that didn't make me want to evaporate and in fact even felt good talking to the one person there I was worried about feeling awkward with given past history. In fact her and I (without us naming names) discussed said past history and it was kind of cathartic. There's a sense of girlpower in the whole "nope he's not good enough for you" "OR YOU SOULSISTA" chat. I feel I should mention the whole reason I think me and her are good is because I really really needed to pee and had been feeling too awkward to ask where the loo was when everyone else seemed to know until eventually it was all getting too desperate and I asked her instead of Napolean. At that point she laughed and was like "I was literally just thinking I should direct Nada to the loo, she probably doesn't know where it is". So yeah that whole chat made me think we were on decent terms :P also we have a mutual love for Mars Bars. 

More interesting perhaps is the fact that I was more worried about being in a confined space with her rather than with Napolean who was present too. Genuinely wasn't concerned about feeling awkward with him, even after what had happened that night. Awkwardest part of it was that everyone else knew (saw?! I really don't remember...) what went down and lol encouraged me to leave and not stay when everyone else was going home. But I mean aside from that. 

Also, he told me something that was just incredibly nice to hear. We were reminiscing about last year and how we were both really goddamn miserable and lonely when we first went down, and how we floundered up until like Christmas time. He told me about the day he'd spent a good 12 hours in tears and wanting to run away to the wilds of the north. It was sad to hear. I felt a bit guilty? Perhaps I should have made more effort with him? But then, I hadn't known and I remember when I did know, I DID put in the effort. I remember MarzBarz visiting in  Novemberish and asking if I'd found what I was looking for. I remember basically telling her that I'd come to the harsh realisation that whatever I was looking for, I wasn't going to find it in a new city, it was hidden some place within me that I still hadn't found. And then she told me he'd been down too, and I remember reaching out and messaging him. He told me this weekend that that message had meant so much to him, that he called his parents up to tell them about it and to reassure them having cried at them for such a length of time. That was really nice to hear. I kind of wish we'd made more effort or spent more time together last year, but hey that may be present fogginess clouding my vision and I dunno, things have a way of working out. He and I will be ok. 

I've had multiple library buddies this week too. Also went to pick up my new (awesome) boots that got delivered next door and found a kindred equally arachnophobic spirit. 

I'm still not sleeping enough, but my sleep quality is much better and my dream journal is getting more sparse :) I should get more hours though but idk, I feel like making the most of being awake rather than desperate to just hurry up and move on to the next day.

I can do this. Or at least some of it. And if not, I really want to and so I'm really gonna hit it with my best shot. 

Please please please can this feeling last?

the river flows in you.

Tuesday, October 02, 2012 Posted In , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Edit This
River Flows in You
by Yiruma
.............................
Hi, my name is Nada and I have an amazing life. Things are good from within at the moment. Life is (obviously) not perfect. But I can deal. And I'm happy about that. I'm managing to do both the things that I want and the things that I need at the moment.

I'm fairly content with my current work ethic. I don't feel as lost as last year, and granted I don't make my revision notes the same day I learn things, but that's not my goal anyway. I find it more helpful to write up lectures after  a short delay, so I have time to process and let things sink in. Also, if I started revising from now, it would be very a very superficial process and I wouldn't retain much information. I know myself well.


I've joined archery and it makes me happy. It's not a terribly active sport, but there is definitely skill involved and I want to perseve and get good at something. Also, I feel like a badass every time I shoot an arrow. And it's a great way to spend time with some of my friends that I see less often. I've also been walking pretty much everywhere, and it's about a 3mile walk from home to campus, and I go fairly often in the week. So it's not like I'm completely static.


Life has been fun, the house is mostly sorted. And I'm happy living here. And my housemates are not driving me up the wall! But that said, one of my housemates is not on my course, so I don't see her in the day. And the other has completely different interests to me (although we do see more of each other). It's good for me to have distance. I'm a pretty private person. I wouldn't say everything has been smooth sailing. 


I believe that there are people out there who are incredibly selfish while managing to seem generous. See, the thing is, with those people, they are only generous when they have something to gain from being that way. In one person I know, the main thing they have to gain is company. This person cannot deal with not having people around,  but does not give a shit if you don't want people around all the time. So sometimes I have to be selfish too. Sometimes you can sit in my living room alone if you insist on inviting yourself over daily. Don't think I haven't noticed that you're slowly trying to move into my house, I see you depositing your clothes and food here. Just know this, it's your own fault for being in the living situation you are in. It's not that I'm not sympathetic, I am. We all make bad decisions, and it's very hard to think ahead and know what life will really be like after you make a choice. But while the burden of misery (it's not even misery for you- you were fine before, you've just gotten it in your head that you're unhappy) is best shared, you're not supposed to dump it all on someone else. What I'm saying is, forgive me, but I will be selfish too. Sometimes you need to do things to make yourself feel good.


There are also people out there who are stubborn and anal retentive. Look, the house is mine. And I know (very well, might I add) that nothing is permanent. Situations change quickly and unexpectedly, both around you and within you. So I do not appreciate you complicating my life by making a million changes to the place that is owned by ME. Especially when such changes are unnecessary. For the past three years I've lived in spaces that were not mine to change. But I still managed to make things my own. Trust me, you could have done it too. I've now given you a lot of leeway, but if you start to eat my currently peaceful brains again, I will not be so pleasant. 


So now that I've gotten that out there, a list of things that make me happy:


1) Following the lives of positive people. I'm one of those people who soaks up vibes when they're sent out by certain people. Seeing people live their happy lives makes me live mine happily. I don't generally want exactly what they have, but I like finding kindred spirits and letting other people's thoughts and views help me grow. Also, watching swimming videos reminds me that people have to work hard and be committed to get what they want. And that a lot of my dreams are in the realms of possibility. 


2) Medicine. Last year medicine was very cool. But it didn't give me enough happy as before I started on the journey. It makes me happy again. I like learning, I think I'd forgotten that. The other day I spoked to a real patient and determined their condition correctly. That was a major ego boost. Two years ago, I think I had very different goals for what I wanted from medicine. I wanted to change the world through humanitarian work. That would still make me very happy, but now, I think so would a job working for the Royal Ballet or for USA Swimming or an organisation of the sort. None of this is final. Of COURSE I know I'll change my mind umpteen times before I (inshallah) reach the end of this degree. It's not good to put all your eggs in one basket, but it's beautiful to have goals and to give your life meaning and to have things to daydream about. I will always be a daydream believer.


3)My kitchen. Don't get me wrong, I'm still a college student. I still feel no great love for cooking, but my kitchen is just absolutely beautiful, hamdillah. And the other day I made these really cool vegetarian sausage. That's another thing actually, I really rather enjoy my vegetarian/pescetariandiet these days. 


4)Meeting new people. Sometimes I have to convince myself to do this, but I generally really enjoy it. I went to this Islamic society dinner and it was interesting to meet a variety of people there. The people in archery are also... interesting. :P


5)Music. But this was always true. I've recently realised I have what is probably the most eclectic music taste of all my friends. I thoroughly enjoy the stuff on the charts as well as my techno-house stuff. Very conducive to late night pre-shower bathroom dancing. Which nobody will ever witness. I love my sixties stuff as well. Me and my housemate went on a walk to explore our neighbourhood one Saturday morning. We played sixties songs on speak from my iPhone (with a casette tape cover) and sang along. Sorry if we disturbed you. We are just generally always singing. It's like a disease. I also still very much love my alternative tracks. Me and my friends recently purchased tickets to go see Mumford and Sons play over here in November! I am beyond keen. I also love my 80s power ballads and my classical playlist (even opera.)


6)Social media. Particularly here, Twitter and Tumblr. I've given up tweeting when angry. I love using it to follow the swimming community as well as to tweet funny anecdotes about my day. Tumblr is lovely for beautiful photos and funny conversations I want to document. I even have Pinterest. I also have a plan to educate my lovely flatmate who also happens to have a daydreamer personality type in the ways of the interwebs. Oh also, I changed the look of this blog. I grew up, so I felt like it needed to as well. I still like all the things I had on here before, but I stopped feeling a need to have them all together, all out there.


7)My family. DUH. This list is not in any order. My family would probably be at the top if it was. Of course, they can still drive me nuts, but they are all incredibly ridiculous people. I really believe the best way for people to bond is through humour. I also get the most hilarious whatsapp messages these days, especially since there's a group of myself, my parents and Syb. Ollie keeps sending us all messages from my moms phone telling us we smell like *insert turd emoticon*. The other day I got a message from Syb that said something like "did an old dude ever teach you" accompanied by a picture of an elderly gentleman in a tweed suit looking away from her. (He did, if anyone wondered.) Bob sent me a message that said: "remember yo lov your door". No, I do not love my door. Neither does he. He meant "remember to lock your door". Parents and autocorrect, -sigh-. My mother is really enthralled by emoticons lately (defintiely Ollie's doing). She's not very good with them though. I think she meant to send me a kissy face the other day, but I got was a pagoda and a swimming man. I said: "I'm not sure what this means, but thanks for the swimmer. I hope you meant it to be Michael Phelps or Nathan Adrian." She replied: "I am sending you a big house and a swimmer to live in it with." Clearly she has the same dreams for me as I do. 


8) Photographs. But we knew that from my instagram. See the photos of my room (and bathroom... apparently I'm one of those people) below.


Please note: my bath products are all orange/peach; Mr. Clown is CUTE not scary; my lamp, computer and variety of creams are all pink, and my window is bright and sunny; my desk is free of clutter and has a 'Respiratory Medicine' mind map on it; my bookshelf contains a shelf with puzzle books and a variety of fidgety people toys as well as shelf with my stethescope and a squishy skull; my body butter, night cream and lip balm all come in pink tubs of different sizes. 

9)My independence. I've always loved that. I've grown to love it more as it has grown. I like that I can think for myself without being influenced by the thoughts of my family/friends. I like that I don't need to rely on other people to get my happy. (And while I may have a little crush, or not, I'm not that 14 year old who based many choices on crushing.) I like that I'm beginning to figure out what's right for me in numerous aspects of my life.


Things are good. I feel a need to remind everyone: life is a journey, but you're not supposed to focus on the destination. If you enjoy the road and go at your own pace, when you get to the destination, whatever it is, you'll be happy, even if it's not necessarily where you intended. Things along the way matter just as much.  

-[n][a][d][a][&][]

¬ foggy London town’s not built for me or y o u .

Thursday, July 29, 2010 Posted In , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Edit This
image

Little Miss Pipedream

by The Wombats

I think the postman intercepts everything I try and send to you
'Cos he's infatuated and he's the fulcrum between us two
And I can't say I blame him 'cos I'd cheat a priest just to get to you

She works in a dental practice 9 'till 5 how does she manage?
Considering her nights don't pass out 'till 3
So I guess that flossing is he last thing in her health routine

And I don't mind that she gets hammered and goes home with other guys
There's no jealousy 'cos she's little pipedream fantasy

I saw her slam back tequilas like Oliver Reed on an Irish stag doo
And I'll wait if you stay because foggy London town's not built for me or you
Don't leave Miss Pipedream 'cos I love you

And I don't mind that she gets hammered and goes home with other guys
There's no jealousy though she'll grind it out with friends but not with me
She's my little miss pipedream fantasy

It’s fiiinally SUMMER (: I’m soo relieved. Don’t get me wrong, this year has been amazing as well. I feel like I made the right decision going to Sevenoaks. My IB grades my have been the same at Conti, or perhaps even better- in the sense that it’s not as if my grades are going to measure up to my genius friends’ who are still back there- but I think I made a good choice. I’ve learned so much and grown up a whole lot- (I can do laundry, grocery shopping, internet banking, train hopping and I know that trust has to be earned and is very easily lost)- I may not seem at all different but I know I think differently. The year has FLOWN by, but it hasn’t been effortless AT ALL.

I knew from last summer that living with people is not easy no matter how great your friendship is. And that was just a month. This has been a whole YEAR. And there a couple of people who have managed to SERIOUSLY PISS ME OFF towards the end. Luckily a couple of others have been amaaazing. I’d just like to say though, that just because I’m generally laid-back and easy-going does NOT mean you can take advantage of my chilaxedness.

The end of term was nice other than coursework deadlines. EE day was fun, I really loved my lil funghi! ToK presentations was stressful but it’s nice to feel like you’ve accomplished something when the jobs are done. CAS completed too! And we’ve all got a pretty good idea of our predictions now :/ .We played a lot with the BHM’s kids and the ABHM’s kids and the new ABHM’s kids. Aaand I won a Bio Prize- granted it was just a lame merit one, so I didn’t get it at prize-giving on Founder’s Day but I was hella pleased. My rooming next term looks good as well, Michaelmas I pretty much have my own room except that C’s room is inside mine so it’s soooort of like sharing. And Lent I have my owwn sunny room with a sink. Yayy (:

The summer has started off well. I spent the first few days with Nanaboo and that was nice as Situ buys nice cherries and apricots. Though they’re taste in restaurants is pretty lame :P . I began shadowing Fuad Chacha in Guildford and that was AMAZING. Staying with Nanaboo was funny because he’d get really concerned for no reason. One morning before heading off to Guildford I left the flat earlier than usual, simply because I was done getting ready earlier. Apparantly he got reeaally worried and woke everyone up to look for me. Ahahaha. Then parents and sisters came, and the dadu came which as always was a slight source of tension. Ah well. The I went off to Luton to do more work experience there.

Soo Guildford. It was sooo amazing. FC is an interventional radiologist. I spent a lot of time following him around which was cool because while his job comes with slightly more mundane tasks like CT, MRI and X-ray reporting and doing Ultrasounds, he also does procedures like putting in Groshan Lines and PEGs and NG tubes and even more excitingg Embolisation of Fibroids! But he also arranged some time for me elsewhere. I spent some time at a Gynae Clinic with a Mr.Diab. I was of course over-excited that he was Arab (Egyptian as it turned out) and furthermore pleased when he recognised my name as being from Arabic. He was a slightly cold man, and most of his patients in the cinic were anxious women. I met in his clinic a Med Student from Prague. Who told me about her Uni and her friend who had a baby in her 3rd year at Med School but Came 3rd in the Year while pregnant and 1st in the year once the kid was born ahahaha. Also I spent some time in the CT room and saw some CT colonscopies where they basically stick a tube into the poor souls back passage and inflate them. I also spent some time in the Endoscopy Unit which was pretty cool. The doctors seemed to enjoy laughing at patients who were not around or unconscious :P. Saw tubes going in both ends there. That was my first week. Second week was equally fab if not better. I got to go to Oncology and SHADOW THIS GREY’S ANATOMY LADY. Dr.Stuart. She was so cool. She looked like a cross between Meredith Grey and Arizona Robbins. And she was hardcore. I saw her do a Radiotherapeutic Procedure on this lady with Cervical cancer and it was soo hardcooore. And then I was in her Oncology Clinic and it was amazing to see how she dealt with the patients giving them good new and really really bad news. ( I thought I was going to cry at one point when she told this woman who was in sever pain because of cancer in her lymphnodes in her leg, that the radiotherapy and chemotherapy they’d done for her had made no difference, and her metastasis were just growing and basically there was nothing they could do except try and ease the pain. It was all made worse because her mother had juuuust found a tumour in her own breast and was having a mastectomy.)  In oncology I also met Dr.Saleh. Again I was overexcited as he was Arab. He asked me if I knew what my name meant, which of course I did since other than my mother telling me, my name in Arabic used to be written on the Johnson Baby Cologne and the English meaning used to be written under it :) . Anyway he was Iraqi. I liked him he was also pretty cool. And quite Grey’s like, all the nurses flirting with him ahaha. The doctors were pretty funny, at one point I was sitting in a room with Farid, Jermaine (an Afro-Caribbean Consultant) and another  Afro-Caribbean Consultant. Farid was staring at the other one who was wearing a black shirt with white stripes. And the guy goes “What you staring at, man? Have you never seen a black man before?” and Jermaine goes “No he just hasn’t seen TWO black men before” and so the other guy says “Hey, what’s your probem Chemical Ali” (please note, Ali pronounce Aa-lee) and Farid says “Nothing, it’s just your shirt, I thought you’d done some skin painting or something.” One of the afternoons when there was interventional radiology, this old fellow cam to have an NG tube put in from the ITU and he just suddenly stopped breathing on the table. There was a crash cart and everything, and they were pushing atrophine and adrenaline and idk what.  The next day I spent in ITU where I made more friends. There was a Paki doctor doing her fellowship and she was really nice, and a Med Student from Southampton in her fifth year, and she examined a guy with Pneumonia and she let me listen to his crackles! The consultant there wasn’t as cool but her underlings were really nice. I got to see an arterial canula being put in and there was al this blood spurting it was pretty awesome. I also a woman who smokes 100 cigarettes per day (no joke) and apparently around her house she had buckets and buckets for her sputum. The next day, Mr.Diab, who appeared to have taken a shining to me, invited me to his OR and I saw a C-section! At one stage I was worried that I was going to faint, and the anaesthesiologist told me “if you start to feel light-headed SIT ON THE FLOOR”. But I didn’t want to sit on the floor, you can’t see ANYTHING from the floor. So i just hung on to the wall ahahaha. It was pretty brutal, Mr.Diab was basically ripping her uterus open on the way in. And then BAM all of a sudden he’s in and there’s a head and then there’s a baby. Which immediately started screaming. It was a she. Then they took out the afterbirth and put it on a platter. And by that stage I wasn’t woozy any longer so I went closer and hovered over as he sewed up the different layers comprised of her uterus and the lining and the fat and the skin.  WAH SO COOL. But enough to convince me abstinence is the way! forever! Anyway then this consultant from A&E came to ask FC about the x-ray of some guy who was a Tree-Surgeon (I have never before heard of this term) and fell out of the Tree and basically snapped his ulna so that the head of the bone was at ninety degrees to the rest of it. When he explained who I was she asked if I wanted to come over to A&E. of course I did! It was not very eventful, alas. There was a guy with a bee sting. And also a 99 year old man who had fallen off his chair at home and had been brought in and was totally disgruntled and kept trying to run away. By the end of it, as well as making friends with the students and some of the younger consultants and the Arabs I was pretty chummy with the nurses who I was scrubbing in with. (I LOVE SCRUBS BTW. I don’t even mind that they smell weird.) Overall Guildford was WOW.

The next week I was in Luton, at a Day Care for people with learning disabilities. At first I thought it was going to be kids, like at the Help Centre. But it was so different. They weren’t kids they were all adults, which made it even sadder in some ways. And the first 6 days I was in the unit known as Neptune. They were the most severely disabled. They were all in chairs, unable to walk and furthermore they can’t communicate. So at first you feel like they’re babies, drinking from doidy cups if they are able. And when it hits’ you that they’re not babies at all, with the youngest being in their 20s or 30s and the oldests reaching their 60s it’s  just so heart wrenching. But they’re so lovely, you can’t help but adore them. I got to see PEGs that I’d seen put in in Guildford in use, and I actually was allowed to, in secret, do a flush myself. (don’t tell Health and Safety). At times it’s a bit awkward in that you don’t know what to call these people, I kept wanting to say “the kids”, but they’re not at all. And they’re not students either because strictly speaking it’s not a school. So I had to call the customers. I had favourites of course, Alan, who I think was probably the most able, and communicate to some extent- and then Jason, who smelled odd because he drooled a lot, but idk why I just took to him. They had a “Fun Day” where we did some wheel-chair races while I was there. And then one day we went to the Afro-Caribbean Centre there, which was basically a place for the elderly Afro-Caribbean community to chill. We took Lyds and Shazza and people kept mistaking them for kids- it was so sad to say stuff like, oh no, she’s not 2, she’s 32. And stuff like that. I made friends with the staff at the centre as well, and the Jamaican ladies really liked me. They’re so funny I love how they talk. The last day I was with a different group, Mars. Their primary carer was a lady called Najwa. (More Arab overexcitement. I’d just like to say when I see Arabs in London or something I avoid them. It seems I am following that old Green Day song “I wanna be the Minority”) . Anyway in Mars they were making their own tea and playing football with me (actually most of them where a whole lot better than me). They were lovely as well. I was asked to make this poor guy some tea, and me, the least house-wifey person on EARTH, had never made tea before. From instant coffee I had a vague idea that you did tea bag and sugar, and then hot water and then milk. But I didn’t really know about the proportions , especially since I like my coffee weaaaaak and sweeeet. So poor Andrew’s tea was practically milk. It was so white. I felt sooo bad, but I was just praying that he’d drink it up before anyone saw it. Poor Andrew couldn’t talk either and couldn’t even complain. Actually I was curious to know what the customers at Bramingham’s disorders and syndromes were, but they don’t generally keep a record. Lydis had Rett’s Syndrome, and I could tell some like Imad had down’s syndrome from their appearance. But I couldn’t tell with Andrew. But not long after, in the book I was reading, it mentionned Angelman’s syndrome and had a description about the characteristics of those who suffered from it, and I realised Andrew fit the profile.

So other than work experience I’ve been doing the fun stuff to. I got to see a couple of my biffles from Jeddah and one of my childhood friends who’d since moved and HONEYY (: and also some of my mom’s friends who I like. And we did the cool stuff like eating at Rainforest Cafe and Princi and Hard Rock Cafe and other places. Pictures on my tumblr. Went to Primark and somehow survived, gaining a good deal of shopping. We also went to see Eclipse, Toy Story 3 and Les Miserables, And there are plans to see Cats and Dogs 2 and Tap Dogs and possibly Inception.

Alas, I wish, since I’m not really doing anything useful in this coming week, we could have gone home earlier, but at that stage I thought I’d need all this time. I’ll only have 3 weeks at home and it will be Ramadan and as I havent started my EE at all or my Chem CW or my 111 Math Qs or my revision for my Chem Test or even UKCAT prepping I’m basically screwed. (:

On that note, I think I will sign off.

-[n][a][d][a][&][]

; count your [blessings] now.

Saturday, June 05, 2010 Posted In , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Edit This



                                      













Hello hello.

It has been  some time since my last post so I decided to use HTML to make a table! (USE INTERNET EXPLORER. they look nicer that way. They’re not too bad with Opera but they’re ICK with firefox, and I’m not sure about with Safari.)  I am back home in sunny Saudi Arabia (: my exams were something like a disaster. And after numerous fits of crying and doses of bonjella (mouth ulcers galore) I was thrilllled they were over and there was a week til I was going home. In actuality, having gotten most of my marks back they weren’t awful. There were some disappointments and some pleasant surprises. Maths was actually a pleasant surprise. It was the last exam and I spent all Saturday crying. My mom was of cause epicly worried, thought I was depressed, suggested I apply to “less competitive” universities or perhaps switch Math HL to an easier subject or even take a gap year. This didn’t help at all. I didn’t want any of that I just wanted a good mark in Maths. Anyways when I got back my mark it was a hell of a lot better than I had thought. Me and C were the best 2 in the class. Obviously, if I had taken History or French at HL at the start of the year, my mark probably would have been better. But I LIKE Maths. And I told my mom she was discouraging. And now we’re compromising. (:

Anyway tomorrow I go back to stupid school. I spent the whole break playing Sims 3 (woo my legacy is at generation 4!) and watching Fringe (EPIC EPIC SEASON FINALE) and basically being useless. My friends here are all cooped up with there exams alas. I have discovered that I’m better at religion in less religious countries. I seem to have a kink in my brain. Oh well.

I cannot wait for summer. SERIOUSLY . I know that in actuality I’m goign to be uber busy but I don’t caaaare. Summer Term is going to be filled with EE and TOK presentation and English Orals and COURSEWORK galore. Oh well. I shall have to be more productive. I was thinking of going to Open Days. But they seem to be a waste of time, filled with people dishing out prospectuses which can be found on the internet.

I hope I have time to go to London on the weekends. After exams I went that weekend and met my cousin and also Auntie I for the first time in ages. She’s really cool.

I’m strangely excited about university applications!  I see my taking this back in the future. I hope some of my friends Uni in the UK too. Actually I think firstly I reaally hope I get in to the UK ahahah. OH gosh Upper 6th are all headed off to Uni. Well actually, not until like October, for now from facebook it seems they’re partying it up in Amsterdam and goodness knows where else :P GIH is going to be so empty. At the end of term, the Alpen Bars and Eggs were lasting for DAYS with only the French B U6 left in the house! These two years are going to flllyyy by epicly fast. It feels like I just GOT to Sevenoaks but I’m already halfway there to leaving it! We’ve already got our little sisters and last year at this time I had just got an email from my big sister! –sigh- I know it sounds stupid but I never expected to live this long. ahahha.

Oh last night I had this epic dream. I was in a battle. M was also there idk why. Anyway the battle was happening in this huge mansion. This little kid from the other side grabbed my arm, but I twisted his wrist and broke free. Then I ran into the house looking for a place to hide. I found a bathroom and hid in the bathtub. But then I heard somebody at the door. So I hoisted myself up using the shower curtain railing and hid on top of the towel rack. It was epic, but then my mom woke me up :(

I think I shall depart now. I’ve spent ages at this computer. Largely on Ebay. I definitely have an addiction. I ‘ve bought cliffnotes and revision guides and shoes and a pocket watch. And before I came I bought two seasons of the Cosby Show fr my mom, but which we’ve all been watching. Also my sister is sitting nearby and she is “sick”and she keeps snivelling and sighing and it’s annoying. How I’m going to make it as a doctor I don’t know.

-[n][a][d][a][&][]

 

Who Knew

by Pink

 

You took my hand, you showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh, that's right
I took your words and I believed
In everything you said to me
Yeah huh, that's right
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever, who knew?
Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no, no no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you a friend
I'd give anything
When someone said count your blessings now
For they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
But they knew better
Still you said forever and ever
Who knew? Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we, until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened?
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
And that last kiss I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes it harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling, who knew?
My darling
My darling, who knew?
My darling I miss you
My darling, who knew?
Who knew?

>> damn.regret. i'll try to f o r g e t .

Saturday, May 01, 2010 Posted In , , , , , , , Edit This
WAHAY it's exeat alreadzzz. Yeah, I've been back for like a week ahahaha. I'm at Canterbury right now staying with Grandma. I think I gave her the fright of her life when I randomly turned up on her doorstep :P I was supposed to be staying with Aunty Memo, انّا للہ و انّا الیہ راجعون , Uncle Pete passed away. It's so awful,and upsetting. He was still so young, and I just can't believe it. I keep seeing him dropping me at Heathrow before San Diego, and oh gosh it's awful. They were getting ready to retire to Goa and they were so excited and she's ALL alone now. I really wanted to go see her, but anyways I'm here for now. Thankfully her family's all gone to stay with her this weekend. It happened while I was at home. I really want to see her before half-term.
I took a direct train from Soaks to Canterz, but I managed to leave my wallet in my bedside draw at school like a moron, and thus did not have my debt card. However my LOVELY matron dropped it to me at the station on her way home. So after lost wallets, dying phone batteries, lacks of chargers and whatever else I got here okay. I love taking the train. The scenery on the way was something even I (the nature hater) could appreciate daffodils and whatnot, and I took photos like a touristy loser. Sadly, the photos out the window were nowhere near as clear as the photos of my handbag and legs ahahaa.





Anywayss, I am so shleepy. I stayed up really late last night to finish off my History IA and Bio stuff. MEH. I was falling asleep in English (AGAIN! i cannot read ANY of my notes I am DEAD for my oral.) and I was pleasantly surprised to find I did not sleep through a talk from Nottingham Uni, (I’m thinking I might apply there though they only have room for 29 kids ). Also I had a Piano Mock, (FAYYYAAALLL) and I got my Violin Cert. Also There was a moles revision session for the people who got 39% on moles (coughmecough) with SMO. SMO is my badminton coach too, he’s pretty damn cool. I FLUNKED MY TOK ESSAY. I got a “low B”, like 60%. WAA. THIS WEEKEND SHALL BE FULL OF DETERMINATION –prays- granted it’s not happening tonight what with my sleepiness. Tomorrow I have to go by spices for my EE. HAHA. Admittedly one of the reasons I was up so late last night was because the night before we all played truth or dare. It was pretty fun, but by the end we weren’t taking turns we just through questions out there :P It seems to have reignited my interest in the male sex oddly enough haha.
I think I will go to be now or something. Sorry fans! (Who am I kidding nobody reads this, which is great I guess, except my little chatbox is so sad.) I don’t really know why I typed this out anymore. I think I just like the noise of the keys. Maybe I’m becoming stir crazy like my upper sixth. The last fun they had must have been M.U.D where they painted our faces as jokers.
anyhoo goodnight -[n][a][d][a][&][♥]



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

&let the [rain] fall d o w n ;

Wednesday, April 21, 2010 Posted In , , Edit This
Okay so I'm lying in bed thinking. Earlier Heathrow opened which made me realise I could be jumping on a plane at any time. And then I got that feeling. The one that's going to have me crying myself to sleep the first night back. This stay has been tooo long and I've become too attached again. Admittedly while I'm here the parents whose hugs I long for from there annoy me greatly. They argue SO much . The good thing is when I get back I'm going to be SO swamped it's not even funny. I don't know how to motivate myself to work either. I remember what did it last time but I'm not sure if it will work this time. Especially since I'm even less confident. I feel like a failure so often these days but I still don't seem to do anything about it. There's nobody I can tell that stuff to either. Pride holds me back from telling those I would have told before and my parents they get so worried when I start crying about these things. I think my mom really thought I was clinically depressed for a while. Another good thing about going back is hopefully I will be less distracted my cool opera browser will not work disabling Twitter and Blogger for some time. My iPhone will not work disabling MSN and greatly limiting facebook. I suppose I'll only have to deal with being distracted by nice roommates and friends upstairs wanting to chat. I know whose system I want to follow and I'll just have to push myself. It'll have to start from tomorrow. I've GOT to finish two Chem sheets and at least one chapter of Maths. Oh gosh how am I going to do that when I'm up at this time. Goodnight x


(it's a glow in the dark star)
-[n][a][d][a][&][]

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

HEY ya fergot la YOGURT !

Sunday, April 18, 2010 Posted In , , , , , , Edit This
Okay soo I am supposed to be flying back to school tonight... but it looks like that is not happening today thanks to our beloved icelandic friend "HEY ya fergot la YOGURT" more formally known as Eyjafjallajökull. Apparently the yogurt thing is how your supposed to pronounce that delightful word. Anyways, though it may seem like I'm not in the least upset about Mr.Volcano foiling all my "back to school & studying" plans because i'm sitting here and blogging and have not packed and am not catching up on ANY of the work i was supposed to do, I AM. I AM ANNOYED because now I'm going to waste EVEN MORE time. This holiday was TOTALLY unproductive and I'm REALLY FREAKING SCARED fo my upcoming summer exams which determine my predicted grades WHICH BASICALLY DETERMINE THE REST OF MY LIFE. Anyways now that I've ranted all that out, I'm going to waste some more time. KTHXBAI. 



for the record the weird repeating drone in the background is how wikipedia pronounces Eyjafjallajökull.


-[n][a][d][a][&][]

“Oooh who do this beat?”

Thursday, April 01, 2010 Posted In , , , , , Edit This
Okay so I really like the song Short Black Boy by MI. Ahahaha. I’m at home for EASTERR. This break is never going to be long enough. I have got TOK essay, History IA and a ridiculous amount of revision for our Lower Sixth Exams (on which predictions are based) to do. Furthermore, I’m volunteering weekday mornings from 8.30 to 2.00 at the Help Center. It’s really fulfilling and I really like the kids. (they seem to like me as well as I have been the cause of several jealousy fuelled shouting matches).
There's one girl who is soo tiny and cute I think she has congenital polio and she always talks to me and does these loops of the same conversation that are like "fain Maraam" (where's Maraam) at which point I respond here. Then she goes "esh ismak" ( what's your name) and I go Nada. And then she goes "tuhibbeenee?" which means "do you love me?" AAH she's so cute. I really love them they are adorablee it makes me feel so sad for them though. A pretty cool advantage is that my Arabic is improving :P
Today we went out in celebration of Reem’s birthday. We went to this unfindable place ahahaha. I really liked what I wore so (OMG) I’m going to have a slight fashion blog/ what I wore moment :O yeah, strange.

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my mom’s old navy blazer, some random white lacy cami, a grey frilly skirt from Primark ♥ , my mom’s old navy lacy tights and my white 5” New Look heels! Oh yes and I French Braided my hair into a bun! Yeah the photos are not fabulous but whatevz.
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Currently I am depressed due to my iPhone losing it’s unlock and jailbreak, with no upcoming fix soon enough :( I MISS BABYBOO SO MUCH POOR LIL IPHONE. Everytime I go to Heathrow I spray Thierry Mulker’s Alien all over the pink cover ahaahha.
-[n][a][d][a][&][]