Sin Duda Nada

"does it bother you?"  

breathing through bitterness, 

how can I explain 

this dawning, bleak and new? 

we planned skipping lambs 

in lush emerald fields, 

but those cast aside 

it's her face in your hands 

on nights without beer 

your voice my lullaby, 

but drink a few and

her body you hold near 

"in every way" 

you're saying you want me 

same for her, despite 

compliments I'm paid 

how you love to say

"I wish you were here too",

just for an option

on alternating days?

it's for time apart 

no choice but to request 

so hell fucking yes

you broke my fucking heart 

Now there are so many people around suffocating me and it's lonelier than ever. I don't feel any warmth. It's so fucking cold and lonely and I wish I could evaporate. 

Hyggelig is a Danish word which describes the feeling of being warm, content, unhurried, at peace. It sounds kind of like "huggeley" and in my head that's what it means... The feeling of security and warmth you get when someone you love who also loves you encompasses you in a proper hug for no reason at all.

the doctor told me I had a lovely complexion 

and all I could think about was you telling me 

I had skin so lovely, smooth and cocoa-creamy 

and eyes that were beautiful... really beautiful

that I had always seemed attractive, never disgusting

as beside a stranger on a bus I was curled crying

while you lay with tears beside your brother 

and we both mourned the loss of each other

after you kissed me (I kissed you too, just by the way)

when we woke and groggily said 'hi' the next day

you touched my skin fascinated by its colour

staring into eyes you called big, beautiful and brown

a special regret

your lips touch mine
it’s so fucking special
not you really
just the moment
and the memory
but with remembering
you become special too

after umpteen dissections
I come to realise
it was nothing special for you
neither the moment
nor the memory
not me either
I’m nothing special to you

you could be not special
I could make it that way
but then the memory
of that brief moment
would be so mundane
just an average regret
nothing special for me or you

Your Heart Is Where My Home Is

Whether this
is homesickness
or homelessness
I couldn’t tell you

All I know is
that even after all
the home I best recall
was somewhere within you

You gave me
a warm place to sleep
though rent was steep
and you had to evict
I still couldn’t predict
another landlord like you.

Never Has the Sun Seemed So Cruel

sweet sleepy words
said between soft sighs
as we drift off
sound so sincere

but when morning comes
it brings a bright light
through your curtainless windows
it steals away

the haziness
the honesty
the heart

everything that seemed so special

What does one do when their usual coping mechanism is part of the reason they can't cope?

I'm going to write to you, as if it was really you, like I usually would. It's not the same but at least its something.

Please can I not grow into someone bitter and lonely?
Please can I figure out how to make myself happy?
Please can I not forever wait for someone to bring me flowers when I could grow my own garden of the pink bougainvillea and the two kinds of nice-smelling white flowers we used to have in the old house?

It doesn't matter if he wants her
It doesn't matter who it is he wants
What matters is that he doesn't want you
At least not in the way you want him
He doesn't care
You should care less too

But I can't cos you all have guns for hands...

It feels like all my thoughts have guns for hands. I spend so much time trying to sleep but instead worrying about my future and ruminating on all my sorrows and the failures in my life that will inevitably lead to a hopeless unhappy future. And then I don't get enough sleep and I go crazier and I worry more and it just seems like some kind of amplification cycle.

I'm so tired...

Reached a point last night where I was so stuffed up from crying that I genuinely couldn't breathe. So much panic. Such a lack of perspective. So much self-hate.

I often contemplate "evaporating" but I've never thought about holding a hair-dryer to the puddle that is me quite so much as in those few moments.

I miss you
I am missing you
You are missing from me
Just as I am missing from you
But do you miss me?

***

You said "trust me
I'll never hurt you"
But this hurts 

Hey dude.

I don't understand at the moment. What is this?

Do you know me so incredibly well or not even at all? Do you want me around or not even at all? Do you love me? You haven't told me in a while and even though I still tell you, I don't want to anymore. I don't know what you want from me.

I'm scared. I trust you too much and need you too much and you promised you wouldn't hurt me but I know how easy it will be for you to.

I need you to know that I don't want anything more from you. I don't harbour dreams of happily ever afters and I never have. All these feelings and confusion are just a reflection of the fact that I know how easily you can hurt me. I want to cut you off so that I don't need you anymore, but I need you so much that I can't cut you off. I remember when I told you I needed you and you said that wasn't good.

I need you to explain what you want from me. I want to ask you, but I don't know how. And even if I did, you have better things to do right now than me. 

today i talked to the old him. it was nothing in that way, i just feel low again as he expressed anguish at his worst subject in which he has a six. i barely make a six in anything. i feel like this a lot these days. i could have messed up my IB just as well from the comfort of my own home. anyway i can’t really cry to anyone, as the old ones are quite often cold and mocking. also to some extent i have severed some of those ties. the new ones have no such problems and i am a proud person. my mom freaks out at the faintest sign of tears and gets overly worried. my sister thinks her life is hard. ha. eh whatever it's just another bad day.

-[n][a][d][a][&][♥]