As they lay me, 'neath the green green grass

Thursday, May 26, 2016 Posted In , , , , , , Edit This
Do you ever wish you could go back and revisit parts of your childhood with the perspective and awareness you have now? I've just spent an hour not doing my project write up but rather revisiting memory lane via Facebook stalking (which was inadequate... seriously wish I had the collection of conti yearbooks I had at home). Can I just say it's incredible the amount of things that lie in some forgotten corner of your memory... the names for instance that I recognise and remembering siblings names... It's beyond bizarre. I wish I remembered the arterial supply of the bowel with such naturalness. 

It's so weird. So many people have grown up and moved on but still Jeddah has a little peace of their heart. In the old old days, long before I'd met any of the people I consider conti-crew now, when I was about 3 or so, the school was so different. So many expats and much more international than it was when I left in 2009. I don't know, in my head everything seems so innocent? I don't know whether that's just because I was innocent myself back then, or because it actually was that way. 

So many of the teachers kids especially, have long since moved to the UK or "the west" or little expat communities elsewhere but their Facebook profiles all list Jeddah as their hometown. It's bizarre. 

It reminds me of when we were in Oman on that boat being tossed about the gulf with the American family. There was an older lady (the mum), her son, his wife and their 4 month old baby, as well as her daughter (Erin?) who must have been around 10 years older than me. They'd grown up as expats in Muscat and gone to the international school there and so when they had leave, the son uprooted his tiny family and brought them halfway across the world to see the place in his memories. The daughter, who was living somewhere in the states wore her name in Arabic around her neck. 

There's something beautiful about this. I can't quite put my finger on it. But I get it, I can see myself years from now with some little piece of Scotland around my neck. Maybe an Irn Bru can or something. I've by no means loved every second of my time here- I think this year and first year have probably been two of the hardest years of my life. So much heartache and hopelessness. I can imagine that those expat kids probably didn't love every moment of living in the relatively conservative middle eastern society of 90s Jeddah. But there's something about a place, a city, that despite its flaws gave you so much and gave you love and memories, that makes you love that place and long for it in an inexplicable way. I realised earlier this year when shit hit the fan with that boy, that Scotland, as ungrateful as I may be at times, I really, really love you and you've more than earned my loyalty.  

Weather changes moods

Friday, April 29, 2016 Posted In , , , , , , Edit This
I feel good. I think I can say that and mean it. This is so much better than I've been in so so long and holy hell I am so fucking scared to put nazar on it. Like I know people can see it- Caroline said and MarzBarz said too. 

I guess it's true that it's always darkest before the dawn? Like the first three days I was home ha those were really fucking awful.

I'm loving everything at the moment. Or maybe just in this specific moment? I'm never sure but whatever gonna ride the hiiiigh. 

Finally getting things sorted - plans in motion for Cape Town elective, Oxford/Dee SSC, Orkney/Highlands/Dumfries Rural GP next year and god I cannot fucking wait for 5th year. Plans to visit Thorey/Iceland, Khali/Switzerland, Ana/Madrid, Reem/Lebanon and LizBit/Moscow are fuelling my daydreams right now and honestly I don't even care if none of them materialise this is keeping me going. Given that I'm home entirely alone I feel surprisingly emotionally stable and reasonably functional (touch wood).

There's still so much to do, and I've still to run up that hill they call finals but I feel more optimistic. I'd like to do as well as possible in these, but I recognise getting stupidly anxious is pretty useless and so I keep reassuring myself that I'm probably more or less on track for Scotland job of some sort and so it's about continuing to plug away and not make myself nuts.

Also feel like I'm making real connections with people again. I admit that it's so much smoother holding conversations with the sert but I actually want to. I actually want to see people and talk to them and water the flowers of old friendships and plant the seeds of new ones. 

Was at a shindig at the weekend that didn't make me want to evaporate and in fact even felt good talking to the one person there I was worried about feeling awkward with given past history. In fact her and I (without us naming names) discussed said past history and it was kind of cathartic. There's a sense of girlpower in the whole "nope he's not good enough for you" "OR YOU SOULSISTA" chat. I feel I should mention the whole reason I think me and her are good is because I really really needed to pee and had been feeling too awkward to ask where the loo was when everyone else seemed to know until eventually it was all getting too desperate and I asked her instead of Napolean. At that point she laughed and was like "I was literally just thinking I should direct Nada to the loo, she probably doesn't know where it is". So yeah that whole chat made me think we were on decent terms :P also we have a mutual love for Mars Bars. 

More interesting perhaps is the fact that I was more worried about being in a confined space with her rather than with Napolean who was present too. Genuinely wasn't concerned about feeling awkward with him, even after what had happened that night. Awkwardest part of it was that everyone else knew (saw?! I really don't remember...) what went down and lol encouraged me to leave and not stay when everyone else was going home. But I mean aside from that. 

Also, he told me something that was just incredibly nice to hear. We were reminiscing about last year and how we were both really goddamn miserable and lonely when we first went down, and how we floundered up until like Christmas time. He told me about the day he'd spent a good 12 hours in tears and wanting to run away to the wilds of the north. It was sad to hear. I felt a bit guilty? Perhaps I should have made more effort with him? But then, I hadn't known and I remember when I did know, I DID put in the effort. I remember MarzBarz visiting in  Novemberish and asking if I'd found what I was looking for. I remember basically telling her that I'd come to the harsh realisation that whatever I was looking for, I wasn't going to find it in a new city, it was hidden some place within me that I still hadn't found. And then she told me he'd been down too, and I remember reaching out and messaging him. He told me this weekend that that message had meant so much to him, that he called his parents up to tell them about it and to reassure them having cried at them for such a length of time. That was really nice to hear. I kind of wish we'd made more effort or spent more time together last year, but hey that may be present fogginess clouding my vision and I dunno, things have a way of working out. He and I will be ok. 

I've had multiple library buddies this week too. Also went to pick up my new (awesome) boots that got delivered next door and found a kindred equally arachnophobic spirit. 

I'm still not sleeping enough, but my sleep quality is much better and my dream journal is getting more sparse :) I should get more hours though but idk, I feel like making the most of being awake rather than desperate to just hurry up and move on to the next day.

I can do this. Or at least some of it. And if not, I really want to and so I'm really gonna hit it with my best shot. 

Please please please can this feeling last?

Maybe it's a cruel joke on me?

Sunday, November 22, 2015 Posted In , , Edit This
Oban was isolated and far away and I was on my own so much of the time, but it was ok. Almost reassuring. Peaceful.

Now there are so many people around suffocating me and it's lonelier than ever. I don't feel any warmth. It's so fucking cold and lonely and I wish I could evaporate. 

I guess I am in his demand

Sunday, December 14, 2014 Posted In , , Edit This
A question I often get asked is "Why Dundee?" Actually, to be more accurate, it's usually more like "WHY Dundee?!" accompanied by an appropriately mystified look and the implication that Dundee is the most obscure place on earth. (It's not even that obscure... Seriously.) What is more amusing is that the question is posed in the same way both by people at Dundee themselves and people elsewhere regardless. 

Obviously there were a wealth of reasons that it made sense. Some attributable to me, others to circumstance. Some still hold now, others now seem insignificant. 

One reason that I rarely share was that on the day we were going up for interviews, me and M sat aboard an afternoon East Coast service on an insanely sunny February day and stared out the window a lot taking in the bridges and coastline and Angel of the North and graffiti. One such piece of graffiti a was the writing "HAVE FAITH IN GOD" seen on a wall or building or what I can't remember. I  never saw it again I don't think. Nonetheless I'm certain it was there. And it inspired hope and joy and excitement in me. 

Would I do things differently if I could? But of course! What kind of person reads a choose your own adventure book and doesn't go back and change their choices.... That's boring. It doesn't mean I regret where I'm at now... Just that I'm curious about what could have been. 

So yeah... Masterplan I await you.  



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

you take me the way I am.

Monday, May 12, 2014 Posted In , , , , , Edit This
So it's been many moons, tonnes of studying, lots of drama and few existential crises but I feel like posting this on this fine evening from London. 

Much has changed both in terms of circumstance and my perspective on circumstances. I have 5 white hairs. And I feel a need to reinvent so I'm sure a hair colour change is upcoming. 

Mostly right now I'm in contemplation about friendships. I feel pretty lucky to have quite a few close friends and several 'friend groups'. It makes for some hilarious whatsapp group chats and it also means if one set is pissing you off you get to run to the other for comfort, as fairweathery as that may seem. 

Honestly I think most of my friendships are based on like-mindedness (or some degree of it) and being in the same place at the same time. 

I wonder sometimes who it is that I feel or should feel closest to. There's obviously those that are very much a part of present day daily life and maybe it should be them because they know the ongoing events in my life. But then the other older friends are kept up to date on my current circumstances- or at least important elements of them. Maybe I should be closer to people I overcame adversity with? Not to say that Soaks was adversity but there were many more-than-just-meh times and many blog posts later deleted because they were just so negative and depressing and I didn't want anyone to ever know I thought that stuff. And some of those guys (C) definitely tried to help me not cry way too many times and I guess there's a sense of gratitude there as well and an upcoming 5 year anniversary. And then there's the original homies. These are the people who've grown up with me who've known me as I changed and who've even understood the different friendships I've formed because they've seen me form them. They're probably the people tuned into the closest frequencies to me and the people I have in depth discussions about nothing to everything with and I'm not gonna say we agree on everything because that would be a blatant lie, but we agree on the important stuff. And I've known some of them 10+ years. And I still love them. It would seem there's an answer to my question but then again is there really? 

I've been told by a variety of people that I love too much/am too cuddly in nature and other such variations of the same thing but I think I've come to the realisation that yeah I maybe am more expressive than others- but I'm definitely wary in my friendships. And there's not many of my friends that I can say I love unconditionally. Right now I can only think of one but it might be that I've just seen her and I'm struggling to think of an occasion where she's upset me. Ultimately I don't think my original question really matters I just needed to let off some steam because certain friends suck sometimes mostly when you thought they were the awesomest and then suddenly they're kinda disappointing :P  


Oh well in the half drunk words of C and I, life is hard like a rock. But also, not really. Life is good and God is kind. Although I'm sure I'll be back in a month or two with an existential crisis, because we all know home-home and free time is the perfect recipe for that.

-[n][a][d][a][&][♥]

if we never took that road...

Thursday, May 02, 2013 Posted In , , , , , , , , , , Edit This
I've been exploring lately.

A pair of us went to stables to ride and we explored the surrounding park and the surrounding beach. It was pleasant. And I got back on a horse after my fall last year.



I also decided to explore nearby places, so I went on foot to 2 of the small towns near Dundee, Invergowrie and Kingoodie. They're small and picturesque and god it's amazing how I get to enjoy solitude and just daydream and live in my own world. It's perfect. It was so peaceful, there was nobody all up in my face about anything.  I almost teared up with appreciation for being in my own head at one point. I think that lot might be feeling bad that I haven't gone with them, but I'm thrilled that I didn't go, quite honestly. I'm glad not to be in their company and I'm enjoying my peace.



I also managed to get a cat following me about because I started whistling.

I think when I grow up and have a car and stuff I want to be one of those people who just spur of the moment decides to go somewhere random, and then actually does go. Like spinning a globe and going where my finger lands....
-[n][a][d][a][&][♥]

I'll be b u l l e t p r o o f.

Sunday, January 27, 2013 Posted In , , , , , Edit This
I am feeling rather strong right now, both physically and mentally. I feel a direction to my life.

Climbed the Law hill today which was nice. Granted I am a slowpoke but hey I made it up there. And it was pretty!








I'm also learning to drive. And I'm not going to pretend I'm not a horribly nervous driver (who according to my instructor holds the steering wheel with a death grip- he actually asked if I did weight lifting, lol) it does give me a sense of empowerment. I feel like if I ever had to leave, I have a way to get further.

-[n][a][d][a][&][♥]
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Location: Dundee, United Kingdom

Save Tonight

Thursday, January 03, 2013 Posted In , , , , , , , Edit This
I'm back at that point where it's late on the night before the day I leave home. As usual I hate it. As usual my stomach feels funny and my mind wants to escape into some fictional world.

Ollie gave me a good night hug and asked me if I really had to go. Then she demanded my uni relocate here.

This is going to be one of the longest stints away...

I think I need people to anchor me to Dundee. But I don't think that's coming my way any time soon and I can't really see my Jeddah friends ever not being the ones I love most. It's just... they make the most sense. I would be ok with them raising my hypothetical children.

*sigh*
-[n][a][d][a][&][♥]
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

so give me hope in the darkness~

Tuesday, November 27, 2012 Posted In , , , , , Edit This
We went to see Mumford and Sons.
Or rather, Mumford and Sons came to see us. (To Caird Hall!!)
And it was amazing. 
They played all my favourite songs (except the didn't play the cave in the main set and I was like... oh they'll do it in the encore. And then they didn't at first. But then they did LAST of ALL! And I was so thrilled. Beyond thrilled.)
The opening act was this rather comedic looking guy in a dragon suit, called Piff. (C later referred to him as Pish. Oops.)
Marcus was like "Wow! Sunday night in Dundee is like Friday night anywhere else in England!"
It was so Christmassy, and oh god I was suddenly nostalgic for Sevenoaks. It felt like the time we got snowed in and had a boarders Christmas. And Mumford and Sons are so Sennockian. They remind me of some of the people I went to school with! (One in particular.) It was so FEELGOOD. 
Here, have some pictures and a video. 
-[n][a][d][a][&][♥]














this is the story of us all.

Saturday, November 10, 2012 Posted In , , , , Edit This
Because I don't want to injure my beautiful walls by putting up bright curtains or painting colourful murals and such, but I still want my room to look like mine, I pretty much decorate with photographs. Because they're personal and beautiful and unique. 

I started out with them just on my pinboard and blue-tacked to my shelves.
  But then, I felt a need for more. And I decided to get creative. So I took some white string, used highlighter to brighten it, secured it against my book case (along with a strip of excess curtain) and hung photos with paperclips.
Then, randomly while at WH Smiths, I discovered sting and pegs that were being sold to hold up Christmas cards. I bought them. And blue-tacked the string to my door frame (and some pegs to my door). And pegged up more photos. 
And now, for the piece de resistance... 
 Basically I really wanted my instagrams as photos. So I picked a bunch of my favourites and printed them. And now they're in a heart shape on my wardrobe. 

I got the majority of these photos printed on Photobox, for free. I just payed £2 for postage. 

Speaking of photos, I got some good ones of the bonfire night fireworks. It was cold (although probably not as cold as last year) but I had fun. I in fact lead the way to the park. How cool is that? I never lead the way. 





-[n][a][d][a][&][♥]

It changes with seasons.

Friday, October 26, 2012 Posted In , , , , , Edit This







and just as I posted these pictures of autumn/fall... it started snowing.
-[n][a][d][a][&][♥]

I feel so close to you right now...

Wednesday, October 24, 2012 Posted In , , , , , , , , Edit This

I stood on that very bridge last year, around April time.
P.S. I didn't write ALL of that. I just did the drawings.
I had luck covered at breakfast.
The day was gloriously sunny. 
 The man who then went on to win the tournament 
(who had a delightful South African accent!)


 golf is actually pretty cool- it shouldn't get all the slagging it gets.
instagrammed the very next day... :(
-[n][a][d][a][&][♥]

Older Posts