Is there somewhere you can meet me?
Saturday, October 31, 2015 Posted In feelings , hopeless , lonely , sad Edit This
Are the angels on their way? I'm in the dirt.
Thursday, October 29, 2015 Posted In lonely , sad Edit This
I long for the stillness of being without really being. I can't explain it well.
But often I tire of myself so much that I try to sleep just to not spend time with me. I come up with fake plans and reasons so I don't have to spend time with myself.
And right now in this huge bed I'm trying to merge myself with this wall beside me because walls don't think or feel they just stand there and everything happens around them but they don't have to join in and paint smiles on themselves.
Next to this wall in this massive bed I feel so small and I love it. I love feeling small because it's almost like my outside could reflect my inside. I often wish I looked as small as I felt because this body that I hate so much doesn't make clear how timid and pathetic I feel. I love it when I hurt and cover myself with bruises because it's almost like you can see what I feel on the inside: damaged and blemished and ruined in such a sickening way.
say something, I'm giving up on you.
Sunday, October 25, 2015 Posted In Denmark , Holiday , homesick , lonely Edit This
Hyggelig is a Danish word which describes the feeling of being warm, content, unhurried, at peace. It sounds kind of like "huggeley" and in my head that's what it means... The feeling of security and warmth you get when someone you love who also loves you encompasses you in a proper hug for no reason at all.
I think that's what I long for. I think that's what this interminable homesickness and longing and restlessness and dissatisfaction is all about. That warm feeling.
I feel incapable of finding it myself. Substances don't even help. SSRIs make me not give two shits about anything- good or bad. Hash makes me some combination of paranoid about all my worries and insecurities or incredibly sleepy. Booze makes me warm and happy for a while and then I keep talking and talking and I realise how much I hate myself and how much everyone else probably/should hate me and then I'm a sobbing mess.
Lately I just want to beg people to fix me. Please fix me. Please make everything better. Please give me clarity and warmth. Please make everything hyggelig.
Gøre mig hyggelig.
