Sin Duda Nada

I'm relieved in a way. You were always ups and downs and unpredictable, which I can handle, but at your lowest you'd hurt the people who cared for you. 

I'm learning not to care.

It's funny though. Both of you seem to have conveniently forgotten so much and been united in your hatred of me. 

Do you remember telling me how you resent her? How you feel like she just does things for the sake of doing them, not because she actually wanted to (but I wasn't to tell her that)? How you stormed out of a pub and were moody for the next couple of days just because someone brought up her linked in profile? How you told me she was too much to deal with at times? How you told me she wasn't who you ultimately wanted to end up with? 

You also seem not to remember telling me that you'd always want to be my friend. That you thought I was a good person. You've forgotten the multitude of times where I put you first and me second- which by the way, you never did for me. In fact, you didn't even put me on the same level as you. You always came first. Now she comes second it would appear from you having a go at me. 

Conveniently, she has also forgotten how you would ignore her for weeks/months whenever you felt inadequate. She's erased the messages of yours to me that she'd seen from her mind, which had left no doubt that you weren't merely offering me emotional support and uplifting me but rather hitting on me. She's forgotten how you'd put the moves on her and then push her away completely. 

I suppose at the end of the day, people see what they want to and hear what they want to, and are willing to ignore the facts and tread on other for a shot at happiness. Good luck to you both, and good luck to me too. 

...and I'm not gonna hold a grudge. Because let's face it, I'm notoriously crap at grudge-holding. I will forgive you. Probably in a few hours... days at best.

But I won't forget. I don't get angry easily, and when I do it's only a brief moment where I wanna tear you a new one and then it just fades away like it was never there to begin with usually without anyone realising anything happened. I'm just incredibly talented at remembering the good stuff and realising that the bad too is as temporary as the good. Like right now I can't stop remembering the stupid shit you offered to do for me and the silly childhood thoughts you confessed and the pretty compliments you paid. It's hard to forget them, just like it's hard to forget when you decided none of that had ever happened. So know this, even though I will forgive you, I will not forget.

You hear that, girl in the playground who stole my favourite Minnie Mouse hair bow when I was three? I genuinely have not forgotten. I even know where you go to uni. Not because I want to come retrieve my bow or anything, I've just realised that I actually still know you and still remember that incident regarding the aforementioned bow. If you read this, all I have to say is: give it back, bitch.

I haven't forgotten the more serious stuff either... or the perpetrators of it. I don't hate you or anything, I'm long over it. I barely remember my anger. But I haven't forgotten and whilst I will always be polite I will never trust you again.

So the whole "when your ship is going down, I'll stand by and watch you drown" is more Billie Joe and less me. But don't worry, even though I won't hold this grudge, I got a few friends who will always make sure I don't drown trying to save you or anything... or more accurately I can hear them saying "Ghurl, don't you let that good for nothing poopface back in your life again."

P.S. I don't need you. I never have and I never will. I just wanted you, like you wanted me for a time. And any part of me that is still enthralled is merely interested in the enigma of what changed and made you stop.

P.P.S. This post sounds like something it isn't. 

Lately I find myself complaining about a lack of consistency in life (or more specifically, people). But I've come to the realisation that actually I'm not very consistent at all. I change my mind ALL the time.

Which is all very well if it's about what to wear or eat or what colour my hair should be next, but it's actually the most annoying thing ever when I make a big life decision and not very long thereafter I've changed my mind and I'm unhappy and it's my own stinking fault. This happens regularly. Can you tell?

Ultimately the way to combat this is clearly to suck it up and move on, you made your bed, you lay in it, bitch. But you know... I like to complain.

I claim that I like consistency in all aspects of life, but this is wholly untrue. I kind of love change. It's so thrilling to start afresh and try something different. I think when I've previously decided I don't like 'change'... it's just because 'change' has scared the shit outta me. I mean this is probably the cause of my hair experiments- I decide I want something to be different and I just go for it- but then, when it's hair you can just cut it off or dye it back to black... it'll grow back.

In actuality I think I can't claim to like change. Because really, what I like is controlled change. I like to have control over bringing unpredictable elements into my life. Like, I don't wanna accidentally fall off a cliff or anything, but cliff diving could be pretty cool if it was like a planned trip or something.

One thing that really irks me though is my inconsistency when it comes to my own beliefs and 'moral code'. My beliefs have been inconsistent for a great many years now, and that's largely related to how I feel in life, my mood, and the amount of time I have to ponder the worlds great mysteries. That's something I've more or less learned to deal with (mostly by blocking it out.) It still annoys me that I can't figure shit out and then stick to it, but what's a girl gonna do. I just pray that in time clarity comes to me, and that I never stop praying for that clarity even if it doesn't.

The 'moral code' thing though... If I'm being honest, I thought I was pretty consistent. Like I had a set of rules and I followed them and it wasn't hard and there was no need to beat myself up about anything. But one day I accidentally broke a rule and I didn't notice. And that annoys me. It's not a big deal. Or at least in the grand scheme of things it probably isn't and everyone else who knows about my initial rule or the fact that I broke it, thinks it's incredibly minor. Still, this annoys me. Why couldn't I stick to my own rules? I made them all by myself and they made sense and they were easy! Because hell, I am not one to deliberately make my own life difficult. (That is a lie.) What am I supposed to do? Get the rules tattooed on my wrist so I know them and remember them always? Or do I just make modifications to my rules? But that just means my rules can disintegrate. Which I do not like the idea of at all. Or do I beat myself up a little and move on? That's what I'm opting for at the moment.

In any case, I do not like change and inconsistency in my surroundings unless I have planned them myself and have some element of control. I do not like the inconsistencies in my character either, but I hope that with time I'll solidify or whatever and figure out what consistency I want to be at all the time. Ideally, cake batter. Because nothing is better than cake batter. What I really don't like right now, however, is the inconsistencies in you. You are a poohead.

We know the script: Israel bombs Gaza, Hamas fires shells, US sides with Israel, Arab states protest, civilians get killed. Stop. Repeat.
— Laila Lalami (@LailaLalami) November 14, 2012

It's horribly sad. What's so horribly sad is that this has become so normal to the world. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying that either side is blameless in this messy never-ending saga. I don't think ANY innocent civilians should be killed. Palestinians, Israelis, Jews, Christians, Muslims... how do people reach a point where they can justify taking innocent lives? It's terrifying.

This is the way I feel- Israel is in many ways the playground bully... they have back-up (read: the USA), they have a bigger fist, a harder punch. Palestine is the victim of this bullying... they kick, punch and try to fight back, but in the end they have little chance. Their punches, though threatening, do little damage. The Palestinian attacks based on frustration at the situation, though horrifying should any of them succeed, take nowhere near as many lives as the Israeli ones (not that that justifies them.) Palestine have so little support. The rest of the Arab world is too busy in their counting houses, counting up their money. The USA has such a huge influence over everyone.

In an ideal world, there would be none of this, they'd just hold hands and be friends. But hey, this is a playground we're talking about. That shit just doesn't happen. In this situation, who do you address to solve the problem?

who has the money/power/international support/effective weapons? (and therefore who is responsible for ending this?) #gazaunderattack
— Nada R (@banananada) November 15, 2012

Israel.

I'm not saying they're necessarily to blame, I'm just saying they need to take the first step and it needs to be a sincere one. And they need support, because hey, all bullies need a firm talking to from a teacher and some guidance. I know this is a very, VERY simplistic view. But the international community needs to step up. I know I desperately want to do something to make a difference. Taking the first step is of course difficult. Fostering a trust between people who have been raised in a situation that only cultivates bitterness and hate for each other will be more than a little difficult. But it needs to be done. A trust will be so unbelievably fragile, but that's where support comes in. Somebody needs to take the first step (AND commit to it)... and out of the two, there is just one ideal candidate.

I'd like to point out however:
1) How can the fact that you warned them of your attack with fliers justify the attack itself? It's like saying "hey I'm about to punch you in the face". How is punching anyone in the face ok?
2) Yes, yes, you were warning them so they could find cover because no you would never ever want to harm innocent civilians. Just where exactly would you have them go for cover? So many Palestinians have had their homes taken from them, where exactly are they supposed to hide?

Just a reminder that most Gazans are refugees not allowed to return to homes or property solely because they're not Jewish. #GazaUnderAttack
— Max Blumenthal (@MaxBlumenthal) November 14, 2012

3)Since when is fighting "terrorism" by terrorising effective?

So again, it’s been some time since my last post. It feels like ages to me, but in actuality it’s just a few months. I had a hard time choosing which Green Day song to be the post title, but I chose this one because this is how I am aiming to feel. My other options were: “I'm on a mission In the destination unknown An expedition In the desolation road” – Castaway “Yelling at brick walls and punching windows made of stone” – Worry Rock “Where do we go from here And what did you do with the directions Promise me no dead end streets” –Worry Rock “Well, destiny is dead In the hands of bad luck Before it might have made some sense But now it's all fucked up” – Stuart and the Ave. So yeah, I went with the most positive. I’m attempting to brainwash myself. Things have changed so much since my Bob Marley post, which feels like forever ago but was less than 2 years back. My time at Sevenoaks is ending with literally 8 school days once I get back after Easter. How weird. I’ve also just turned 18. Yet I feel like my journey’s over and that whatever’s left to come isn’t worth my time. Sevenoaks didn’t really give me what I wanted to get out of it and I’m really not sad to leave. I didn’t cry at Leaver’s because while I haven’t at all hated my time there and I have gained a good deal, it’s just not what I wanted and I’m happy to go. I don’t know how happy I am with the prospects of where I may be going though. It feels like I made a lot of BAD decisions. But I’m trying to convince my self otherwise . I’m trying to focus on how on that day when I heard from UCL and was crying like a complete psycho outside the Performing Arts Centre that woman who came to comfort me told me he son didn’t make his first choice either, and when I told her my second choice after she asked she said Dundee was really good for medicine. (Though I’d probably say something similar to a sobbing stranger).  Also how M’s dad keeps telling her that Dundee is great for med, though as my friend I guess she just wants me to feel better too. The guardian says Dunds is 6th in the UK  (The Sunday Times says 12th and The Complete University Guide says 17th). Clearly there are some discrepancies but whatever. The point is that’s not ALL that bad. And I was never into going to university outside the UK, so there’s no point considering them. I also was never into doing a subject other than medicine, so it’s the subject tables that matter more I guess.  I’m not really doing a great job of convincing myself… part of me just wants to forget about all this medicine baloney, spend a gap year in Africa and then go do international relations and a language. Oh well, in the end, I never really wanted any of these options, so whether I get plan B, plan C, or plan Z, I’m not really bothered. By this, I mean if I don’t get my 6 in math HL to send me to Dundee I don’t think I can burst into tears AGAIN. I’m too tired of it. Every time things seem to be going better and I cheer up something happens to cause me to burst into tears. So I’ve had enough.  None of these options available are ideal, and so I don’t feel like stressing out about whether I get the second best option or not. Well this really didn’t help me convince myself of anything. /EndRant. Good riddance. -[n][a][d][a][&][♥]

Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) by Green Day Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go So make the best of this test, and don't ask why It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life. So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial For what it's worth it was worth all the while It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life. It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life. It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life.