Lately I find myself complaining about a lack of consistency in life (or more specifically, people). But I've come to the realisation that actually I'm not very consistent at all. I change my mind ALL the time.
Which is all very well if it's about what to wear or eat or what colour my hair should be next, but it's actually the most annoying thing ever when I make a big life decision and not very long thereafter I've changed my mind and I'm unhappy and it's my own stinking fault. This happens regularly. Can you tell?
Ultimately the way to combat this is clearly to suck it up and move on, you made your bed, you lay in it, bitch. But you know... I like to complain.
I claim that I like consistency in all aspects of life, but this is wholly untrue. I kind of love change. It's so thrilling to start afresh and try something different. I think when I've previously decided I don't like 'change'... it's just because 'change' has scared the shit outta me. I mean this is probably the cause of my hair experiments- I decide I want something to be different and I just go for it- but then, when it's hair you can just cut it off or dye it back to black... it'll grow back.
In actuality I think I can't claim to like change. Because really, what I like is controlled change. I like to have control over bringing unpredictable elements into my life. Like, I don't wanna accidentally fall off a cliff or anything, but cliff diving could be pretty cool if it was like a planned trip or something.
One thing that really irks me though is my inconsistency when it comes to my own beliefs and 'moral code'. My beliefs have been inconsistent for a great many years now, and that's largely related to how I feel in life, my mood, and the amount of time I have to ponder the worlds great mysteries. That's something I've more or less learned to deal with (mostly by blocking it out.) It still annoys me that I can't figure shit out and then stick to it, but what's a girl gonna do. I just pray that in time clarity comes to me, and that I never stop praying for that clarity even if it doesn't.
The 'moral code' thing though... If I'm being honest, I thought I was pretty consistent. Like I had a set of rules and I followed them and it wasn't hard and there was no need to beat myself up about anything. But one day I accidentally broke a rule and I didn't notice. And that annoys me. It's not a big deal. Or at least in the grand scheme of things it probably isn't and everyone else who knows about my initial rule or the fact that I broke it, thinks it's incredibly minor. Still, this annoys me. Why couldn't I stick to my own rules? I made them all by myself and they made sense and they were easy! Because hell, I am not one to deliberately make my own life difficult. (That is a lie.) What am I supposed to do? Get the rules tattooed on my wrist so I know them and remember them always? Or do I just make modifications to my rules? But that just means my rules can disintegrate. Which I do not like the idea of at all. Or do I beat myself up a little and move on? That's what I'm opting for at the moment.
In any case, I do not like change and inconsistency in my surroundings unless I have planned them myself and have some element of control. I do not like the inconsistencies in my character either, but I hope that with time I'll solidify or whatever and figure out what consistency I want to be at all the time. Ideally, cake batter. Because nothing is better than cake batter. What I really don't like right now, however, is the inconsistencies in you. You are a poohead.
