If you're gonna let me down, let me down gently
Monday, February 01, 2016 Edit ThisI'm scared of speaking too soon but I think I'm kind of maybe figuring out balance. This is about to be another one of those incredibly incoherent "thank you Lord for my lovely friends" / "I think I've had a revelation" posts that doesn't make sense when I reread it weeks later but hey, whatever, I have nothing better to do at 2am than document this funny feeling I'm having.
Basically I think I'm finally figuring out the following:
(1) I can't expect every friend I make to be 100% like me in every way and understand all my twisty bits fully
(2) That doesn't mean I can't share some twistiness with lots of different people and let them shed a little light on my life
(3) And if they disappear so be it because sunshine hides behind clouds sometimes but there will always be more sunshine (even in fucking Iceland, Thorey says so)
(4) Relying on people doesn't mean I can't trust myself or in weak, it just means I'm relying on myself to know when to rely on other people (yeah this one is deffos not gonna make sense later)
I've had a weird weekend with a weird variety of people.
Friday night Haz and I stayed in even tho it was Farkin and watched chickflicks and coughed and sneezed and snotted everywhere and ate pizza and it was kind of nice to go back to how things were pre-Floopsy (as much as I love him and am so fucking grateful he lives with us.)
Then my little one came round after midnight (pfft standard) and he was all happy go lucky and really really I love seeing him that way so much. He's off to see ibi and he promised me they'd be good to eachother and idk that boy is my little brother and I can't be jealous of his happy it only makes me happy too. Also today he told me I was a good person. Under normal circumstances I probably would have cried a little.
Saturday was spent with Waz and the ther girls and idk it was bittersweet. I don't think she'll ever be my friend quite like before but hey there's good and bad right and shockingly for the most part I'm actually okay with that. (Also Ayesh and Serene are deffos thrilled heh.) I feel very out of place around them. It's so hard to relate sometimes even though I feel like I'm meant to relate to them more than other people but idk I just don't and then I'm left feeling bereft of anyone to relate to. This was quite obviously plaguing my mind because I then had a stupid real sertraline dream wherein I hung out with Lenni and he imparted some wisdom (that I don't really remember clearly but was really impressed with on my 6am pee break) which was something to the effect of "if you have fun while you're with them you don't have to feel connected with them in every way, you can feel connected at times and not at others and it can still be good." Clearly my subconscious found a way to self soothe but I don't trust myself enough so even that has to come in the form of nice friends. Odd. And too real. As usual.
Today I spent the morning with PLL who definitely thinks I'm bonkers but I know genuinely likes me. I mean she actually thanked me for asking if she wanted to meet up. Is it weird that I'm glad she has me? That sounds so arrogant but idk she's so alone and I don't want her to be and she's a shockingly lovely person (why won't she just fall in love with Zi and live happily ever after?!?) It was nice and we campus libraried and idk for the first time in my subsequent trips there, I didn't miss being stupid with Ibi in the stairwell instead of studying.
Pippa and I have also been spending a lot of time together and today she made me brown girl blush because she said she and Kathleen were discussing how it was a shame we hadn't been friends in first year because I could have lived with them (and the piggies) instead of Kirsty. LOL. But things have a way of working out and I love my Haz and my Floopsy even if I want to kill them sometimes.
Side note: I love how in really good girl friendships you hate the people your bestie can't outright hate for their sake. Like I know for a fact Haz/Pippa/Ayesh do this for me in a "yes I take lots of crap from people but I love you so you shouldn't way." Also I love them too and so I totally glare at Lucy and Alan and idk who else even though I barely know them. Irrational hate is just so great.
Floopsy came back from Ireland a little while ago and we were laying in his bed sad tumblring (well that was me, he was just a spectator in it for the boobs) and idk what we were saying but I told him I wanted to be heartless and feelings free and he booped me and said I couldn't be a bleep bloop robot. I mean we've had this argument many many times (like every other argument we have) but idk it resonated more than usual? Maybe cos of the snuggles? Or the fact that he is a human radiator? Idk it just got me thinking that he is like sunshine and I'm so glad I had to go through all the crap and drama of Anna not moving in if it meant I got my Floopsy instead. He's so cheerful and pleasant and warm and I really really hope he always stays that way. And idk, then I thought I get a lot of light from a lot of different places and it helps me grow but it doesn't mean I'm not photosynthesising for myself? Does this make sense? I don't know. I want to be a plant. But Floopsy and I think I'm more of a potato vacuum than a potato itself. Ok this is all getting nuts but hey I'm grateful for this clarity (brief though it may be) and good night because I'm gonna be so fucked when that alarm goes tomorrow.