Sin Duda Nada

I loved you. Really I did. I know it was only a short time I knew you but I loved you from when I saw you crouched outside the masjid and when you didn't even know how to lap up the water I gave you. I'm so horribly sorry you're gone. I was so hopeful that I could save you and love you and help you grow big and strong. It feels like I've lost again. It feels like I've lost another soul I wanted to keep and protect and love, you Alfie and then Albert and Gerhardt too. I know I get too attached, and I know that logically there are many many more unloved uncared for animals and humans in the word, so it makes little sense to focus on you three but I don't know, I met you, I saw how alone you were and I wanted to love you. 

And when the day I left you came up to me and mewled and kept going round my ankles, not wanting to go back to your wee box after spending the night curled in the corner with your back to the world, I thought you seemed to love me too. And your love gave me a lot of hope and warmth in a time when I'd felt very devoid of it. I had such high hopes for you giving Mama love and helping her through the dark and maybe it was selfish or idealistic of me to assign you a role of a therapy pet like that but I hoped you were the answer I was looking for.

And for that brief period you were. Mama was stressed and anxious yes, but she loved you immediately and you seemed to love her. And Bob sending us videos of you and Mama playing upstairs, it was a surprise. He seemed to take to you well and they were voluntarily spending time together, it was your doing. 

Now you're gone and it breaks my heart. I wish I could have said bye. I wish I could have cuddled you and cared for you for longer. I have so much love to give and I hoped it would do you good. I don't know if it's normal to cry and mourn a kitten you only knew a week, but I do. I feel a great loss. 

I have so much love to give and I want to put it somewhere good, dedicate it to those who really need it. Does that make sense? 

Just after I left you I was in London and I was sat around a table for dinner with Ser and 5 of my closest friends- Mev, Zuzi, Ayesh, Cole and Keeks. It was lovely. But I realised there were so many missing. So many more that I loved that I would have wanted there, like some kind of army of strength looking out for me? I don't know. I counted later and there were so many more names I would have wanted- Floof, Nushay, Aaish, Reem, Nabz, Meerie, MarzBarz, Fee, Haz, Clairey, Lei, Pippa, PLL, Thorey, LilBil and even perhaps Floopsy, Krish, Ben, Zac, Amiloo. I remember not so long ago a boy asked me if I'd talked to anyone about the feelings/relationship between us, just after he'd talked to his best friend about how he felt about me. I was almost embarassed at the number of people I had talked to when he'd only just told the one. But now I know, there should be no shame. These are friends I love who love me too, with no obligation, and I'm grateful I have them and I hope I do right by them and they get some benefit from my love too. 

Alfie, I hope that even if it was only a very short period, that you got some benefit from our love as well. That you felt cared for and that you had some happiness. I wish so much with all my heart it that it could have been a lifetimes worth of it. I know we benefited from your love. Your unassuming love for me gave me so much hope and I know you've made  Mama reevaluate a lot of things. I can only hope that some good comes out of that and not just guilt. I almost hope you come to her in a dream and help her forgive herself and show her what she needs. 

Once more, thank you for your love. I will always remember you and you will always be in my heart. 

Love,

Nod