Sin Duda Nada

I guess it's true that it's always darkest before the dawn? Like the first three days I was home ha those were really fucking awful.

I'm loving everything at the moment. Or maybe just in this specific moment? I'm never sure but whatever gonna ride the hiiiigh. 

Finally getting things sorted - plans in motion for Cape Town elective, Oxford/Dee SSC, Orkney/Highlands/Dumfries Rural GP next year and god I cannot fucking wait for 5th year. Plans to visit Thorey/Iceland, Khali/Switzerland, Ana/Madrid, Reem/Lebanon and LizBit/Moscow are fuelling my daydreams right now and honestly I don't even care if none of them materialise this is keeping me going. Given that I'm home entirely alone I feel surprisingly emotionally stable and reasonably functional (touch wood).

There's still so much to do, and I've still to run up that hill they call finals but I feel more optimistic. I'd like to do as well as possible in these, but I recognise getting stupidly anxious is pretty useless and so I keep reassuring myself that I'm probably more or less on track for Scotland job of some sort and so it's about continuing to plug away and not make myself nuts.

Also feel like I'm making real connections with people again. I admit that it's so much smoother holding conversations with the sert but I actually want to. I actually want to see people and talk to them and water the flowers of old friendships and plant the seeds of new ones. 

Was at a shindig at the weekend that didn't make me want to evaporate and in fact even felt good talking to the one person there I was worried about feeling awkward with given past history. In fact her and I (without us naming names) discussed said past history and it was kind of cathartic. There's a sense of girlpower in the whole "nope he's not good enough for you" "OR YOU SOULSISTA" chat. I feel I should mention the whole reason I think me and her are good is because I really really needed to pee and had been feeling too awkward to ask where the loo was when everyone else seemed to know until eventually it was all getting too desperate and I asked her instead of Napolean. At that point she laughed and was like "I was literally just thinking I should direct Nada to the loo, she probably doesn't know where it is". So yeah that whole chat made me think we were on decent terms :P also we have a mutual love for Mars Bars. 

More interesting perhaps is the fact that I was more worried about being in a confined space with her rather than with Napolean who was present too. Genuinely wasn't concerned about feeling awkward with him, even after what had happened that night. Awkwardest part of it was that everyone else knew (saw?! I really don't remember...) what went down and lol encouraged me to leave and not stay when everyone else was going home. But I mean aside from that. 

Also, he told me something that was just incredibly nice to hear. We were reminiscing about last year and how we were both really goddamn miserable and lonely when we first went down, and how we floundered up until like Christmas time. He told me about the day he'd spent a good 12 hours in tears and wanting to run away to the wilds of the north. It was sad to hear. I felt a bit guilty? Perhaps I should have made more effort with him? But then, I hadn't known and I remember when I did know, I DID put in the effort. I remember MarzBarz visiting in  Novemberish and asking if I'd found what I was looking for. I remember basically telling her that I'd come to the harsh realisation that whatever I was looking for, I wasn't going to find it in a new city, it was hidden some place within me that I still hadn't found. And then she told me he'd been down too, and I remember reaching out and messaging him. He told me this weekend that that message had meant so much to him, that he called his parents up to tell them about it and to reassure them having cried at them for such a length of time. That was really nice to hear. I kind of wish we'd made more effort or spent more time together last year, but hey that may be present fogginess clouding my vision and I dunno, things have a way of working out. He and I will be ok. 

I've had multiple library buddies this week too. Also went to pick up my new (awesome) boots that got delivered next door and found a kindred equally arachnophobic spirit. 

I'm still not sleeping enough, but my sleep quality is much better and my dream journal is getting more sparse :) I should get more hours though but idk, I feel like making the most of being awake rather than desperate to just hurry up and move on to the next day.

I can do this. Or at least some of it. And if not, I really want to and so I'm really gonna hit it with my best shot. 

Please please please can this feeling last?