Sin Duda Nada

...and I'm not gonna hold a grudge. Because let's face it, I'm notoriously crap at grudge-holding. I will forgive you. Probably in a few hours... days at best.

But I won't forget. I don't get angry easily, and when I do it's only a brief moment where I wanna tear you a new one and then it just fades away like it was never there to begin with usually without anyone realising anything happened. I'm just incredibly talented at remembering the good stuff and realising that the bad too is as temporary as the good. Like right now I can't stop remembering the stupid shit you offered to do for me and the silly childhood thoughts you confessed and the pretty compliments you paid. It's hard to forget them, just like it's hard to forget when you decided none of that had ever happened. So know this, even though I will forgive you, I will not forget.

You hear that, girl in the playground who stole my favourite Minnie Mouse hair bow when I was three? I genuinely have not forgotten. I even know where you go to uni. Not because I want to come retrieve my bow or anything, I've just realised that I actually still know you and still remember that incident regarding the aforementioned bow. If you read this, all I have to say is: give it back, bitch.

I haven't forgotten the more serious stuff either... or the perpetrators of it. I don't hate you or anything, I'm long over it. I barely remember my anger. But I haven't forgotten and whilst I will always be polite I will never trust you again.

So the whole "when your ship is going down, I'll stand by and watch you drown" is more Billie Joe and less me. But don't worry, even though I won't hold this grudge, I got a few friends who will always make sure I don't drown trying to save you or anything... or more accurately I can hear them saying "Ghurl, don't you let that good for nothing poopface back in your life again."

P.S. I don't need you. I never have and I never will. I just wanted you, like you wanted me for a time. And any part of me that is still enthralled is merely interested in the enigma of what changed and made you stop.

P.P.S. This post sounds like something it isn't. 

So again, it’s been some time since my last post. It feels like ages to me, but in actuality it’s just a few months. I had a hard time choosing which Green Day song to be the post title, but I chose this one because this is how I am aiming to feel. My other options were: “I'm on a mission In the destination unknown An expedition In the desolation road” – Castaway “Yelling at brick walls and punching windows made of stone” – Worry Rock “Where do we go from here And what did you do with the directions Promise me no dead end streets” –Worry Rock “Well, destiny is dead In the hands of bad luck Before it might have made some sense But now it's all fucked up” – Stuart and the Ave. So yeah, I went with the most positive. I’m attempting to brainwash myself. Things have changed so much since my Bob Marley post, which feels like forever ago but was less than 2 years back. My time at Sevenoaks is ending with literally 8 school days once I get back after Easter. How weird. I’ve also just turned 18. Yet I feel like my journey’s over and that whatever’s left to come isn’t worth my time. Sevenoaks didn’t really give me what I wanted to get out of it and I’m really not sad to leave. I didn’t cry at Leaver’s because while I haven’t at all hated my time there and I have gained a good deal, it’s just not what I wanted and I’m happy to go. I don’t know how happy I am with the prospects of where I may be going though. It feels like I made a lot of BAD decisions. But I’m trying to convince my self otherwise . I’m trying to focus on how on that day when I heard from UCL and was crying like a complete psycho outside the Performing Arts Centre that woman who came to comfort me told me he son didn’t make his first choice either, and when I told her my second choice after she asked she said Dundee was really good for medicine. (Though I’d probably say something similar to a sobbing stranger).  Also how M’s dad keeps telling her that Dundee is great for med, though as my friend I guess she just wants me to feel better too. The guardian says Dunds is 6th in the UK  (The Sunday Times says 12th and The Complete University Guide says 17th). Clearly there are some discrepancies but whatever. The point is that’s not ALL that bad. And I was never into going to university outside the UK, so there’s no point considering them. I also was never into doing a subject other than medicine, so it’s the subject tables that matter more I guess.  I’m not really doing a great job of convincing myself… part of me just wants to forget about all this medicine baloney, spend a gap year in Africa and then go do international relations and a language. Oh well, in the end, I never really wanted any of these options, so whether I get plan B, plan C, or plan Z, I’m not really bothered. By this, I mean if I don’t get my 6 in math HL to send me to Dundee I don’t think I can burst into tears AGAIN. I’m too tired of it. Every time things seem to be going better and I cheer up something happens to cause me to burst into tears. So I’ve had enough.  None of these options available are ideal, and so I don’t feel like stressing out about whether I get the second best option or not. Well this really didn’t help me convince myself of anything. /EndRant. Good riddance. -[n][a][d][a][&][♥]

Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) by Green Day Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go So make the best of this test, and don't ask why It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life. So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial For what it's worth it was worth all the while It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life. It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life. It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life.